Hi from Whit,- new, scared and needing advice

[Whit]

My name is Whit, My fiance just got into Med school, a DO program and we are deciding if we should split up or if I should go with him. I think having my partner in med school will be horrible and make me completely miserable and I don't know if it is worth it. I love him but I am scared things I love about him I wont get to experience because of how busy we will be.

When we first started dating he told me he wanted to be a Doctor, he has wanted to be one his entire life. Right before we started dating I had told my father and my best friend specifically that I do not want to marry a doctor. The thing I have always valued most is getting to spend time with my significant other. So six years later we both very much love each other and we both feel the same way we did when we first feel in love.

We have spent three years applying. The first time he applied to MD programs and got three interviews but did not get accepted. During that first round of applications the idea of moving away from where I grew up terrified me and I worked very hard to become willing to be able to go with him. This time he got wait listed at 2 DO schools and we found out 3 days ago that he got in and he has to move 9hours away (by car) in a month. I think I spent all of my mental energy on the going part and I didn't spend any time in the recent years thinking about if I could do it (be happy/satisfied and supportive) once we got there.

When I first found out he got in I will full of joy and pride. The next morning I woke up completely panicked. We were going to have to move to a new state in less then a month and I was going to from seeing my best friend (my guy) (and pretty much my only friend) almost all day (we live and work together and currently have a lot of free time which we spend together) to almost never seeing him for like the next 8 years.

I love him very much but I don't know if I can do that without making the both of completely miserable.

I just don't know if there is any chance if we can make it through this with us being happy. Part of me feels like it would almost be better to end now as friends then for me to ruin the thing he has wanted his whole life and end up hating each other.

He has been telling me over and over again that he would not get in, that this wasn't going to happen and that if he didn't get in he would go to nursing school (which frankly is something I would have been able to be happy about if he was satisfied (good pay, way less debt, way less time in school, we would be able to pick where we lived and buy a house much sooner, and I would get to still spend some time with him)). But he got in against all of the odds. He is going to make an amazing Doctor and he could be an amazing husband and father I am just scared he wont be able to be both at the same time.

I am leaning towards ending my relationship with someone I really love and care about because I don't see how I could possible get my needs meant when he goes to school, residency and when he has a practice. I want to be close with him the way we always have and I am so angry that the thing he wants get in the way of that and that he picks being a Dr. over being the guy he has been for the past 6 years. I don't think I am strong enough to do what you ladies do. How do you do it? Do you feel like you get your needs meant? Are you glad you followed your spouse into med school? How do you deal with school being a priority over you?

I asked him to promise me that he would be a better husband and father (when we have kids) then a Dr. and that our family would be his number one priority. He told me tonight that I will not be the priority sometimes (which is probably totally normal and ok but right now scares me and hurts). He really wants to stay together, he really wants us both to be happy and he wants me to go with him. I want him to be happy too. Please let me know if you have found a way to be happy

Sorry for the way to long post. I look forward to getting to know you and being a part of this community if I get through this. Grateful that I found this group and hopeful that this will help me make a decision or at least a way to hear how others do it.

[spotty_dog]

Welcome!

But...yikes! After 6 years together, after 3 years of med school applications, you're going to dump him the second he gets accepted? Because maybe some day he might not be the perfect ideal partner you've held up for yourself in your mind?

Take some deep breaths. Talk things over. Don't make snap decisions.

You've come to the right place! Many of us have been there. I remember how my heart dropped when my boyfriend of nearly 5 years informed me he was moving to Cleveland! I'd never even visited the great lakes region before! But I knew we'd be happier together than trying to make some long-distance thing work. Overall, 12 years and 2 kids later, I don't regret it.

Good luck!

[Phoebe]

You're in a tough spot. All the changes ahead are unknown and scary. Apparently, neither of you were expecting his admission. You really can't predict how med school, residency and his new career will affect the rest of his life or your relationship. However, it is very doable and you may come out a stronger person for it. It seems like a rash decision to dump him so abruptly. You need to weigh the pros and cons. Being independent is a great asset for medical spouse. People here have been in your shoes and get it. Stick around.

[diggitydot]

Hi from Whit,- new, scared and needing advice

Yes, it's doable.

No, you don't have to dump him because he got accepted to med school.

Yes, it will change both of your lives.

No, he won't have as much time to hang out with you. However, you'll learn to appreciate the time you can hang. Unless he's being an ass, because that shit happens. And then you come here and vent because "medicine is not a pass to be an ass", which is kind of our unofficial motto around these parts.

We did med school with three kids in tow. Please believe that shit wasn't easy, but we survived with our family and relationship soundly intact.

You can do it, but it will take a lot of adjustments. Mostly, your expectations.

[GrayMatterWife]

I am leaning towards ending my relationship with someone I really love and care about because I don't see how I could possible get my needs meant when he goes to school, residency and when he has a practice. I want to be close with him the way we always have and I am so angry that the thing he wants get in the way of that and that he picks being a Dr. over being the guy he has been for the past 6 years. I don't think I am strong enough to do what you ladies do. How do you do it? Do you feel like you get your needs meant? Are you glad you followed your spouse into med school? How do you deal with school being a priority over you?

I asked him to promise me that he would be a better husband and father (when we have kids) then a Dr. and that our family would be his number one priority. He told me tonight that I will not be the priority sometimes (which is probably totally normal and ok but right now scares me and hurts). He really wants to stay together, he really wants us both to be happy and he wants me to go with him. I want him to be happy too. Please let me know if you have found a way to be happy

1. You don't end a relationship with someone you really love because they are pursuing the perfectly reasonable, respectable, admirable and long-expressed goal of becoming a doctor. It's not like he just announced he wants to become a Mafia kingpin. And it sounds like he has been completely upfront with you about his dream about being a doctor. I am not sure I am following why you would dump someone you say you love because they are realizing a long-dreamed-of goal.

2. A relationship is not about getting your needs met. It is about supporting each other in meeting each of your needs. In that, some of your needs and some of his needs will not be met, so that both of your needs get met. And by "needs," I mean idealized desires.

3. I followed my spouse to med school. And grad school. And internship. And neurosurgery residency. And into attending hood. During that time, I got my needs met, he got his needs met, and the four children we had got their needs met. Although, I have to be honest: whether or not we were getting our needs met was never how we looked at things. We were focused on whether his patients and our children were getting their needs met. There is a huge reward in making other people's lives better. It gives you the sense that your partnership is productive and purposeful and rewarding, I have absolutely no regrets about his decision to go into medicine and then into neurosurgery. I never saw it as him putting schooling "over" me. It was about mutual sacrifice for a shared goal. And, honestly, it was just never that dramatic. He was a student, then a resident. It wasn't like he'd been shipped off to fight in the mountains of Afghanistan and I never saw him.

3. You made him "promise . . . that he would be a better husband and father (when we have kids) th[a]n a Dr." I understand your concerns but your premise has little foundation. Who says doctor-fathers and doctor-husbands are THE standard by which other men should be measuring themselves? I am not sure where you get the notion that doctor-husbands and doctor-fathers are bad. I have known suck-ass banker-fathers, and plumber-fathers, and minister-fathers. I have also know some suck-ass doctor-fathers. But MOST doctor-fathers I know are great husbands and fathers. My husband is a fantastic husband and father. Medicine, and residency in particular, made him a better husband and father.

Don't give up before you really know what you are facing.

[alotofyarn]

Welcome! I think GMW summed up by thoughts pretty perfectly, so I don't have too much to add. We were married when my hubby got into med school, also working and spending a ton of time together, and we did the first year of med school long distance. It's a huge change, and not always easy, but we've made it so far and are as happy as ever.

[Pollyanna]

Exactly everything GMW said!!!

Welcome!

[MsSassyBaskets]

I second what the others have said so far. Also, you've gotten used to a lifestyle--seeing each other all day every day--that frankly isn't realistic for most working adults, not just doctors. If that's your expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure. This situation is ALL about your attitude. When my then-fiance got into medical school (DO, on his second year of applying, after being together for several years of thinking he wasn't going to pursue that direction, so not so different from you), I recognized that I could go all-in and embrace the changes, or I could be miserable. I went all-in. The first year was a little rocky, and that's when I found this site. There was some homesickness, and a lot of studying, and some days I don't see him much between waking and sleeping. But I do know one thing--I'm always his priority. Does that mean he can take time off and hang out with me just because he wants to? No. Does it mean he could take time off and come to my grandpa's funeral? Unfortunately, no. But that doesn't make me any less his priority. Priority isn't about choosing to hang out with someone over working your butt off toward your goal. In fact, that kind of prioritizing would breed resentment if it's getting in the way of becoming the person he wants to be. It's knowing that when it really comes down to it you are committed to one another, want to be together, and want to help each other succeed.

The only barrier to you making it through this (somewhat) happy is your own attitude. You can choose to change it, or you can choose to keep expectations that may never make you happy.

That probably came off as really harsh, and I'm sorry--I absolutely don't mean to hurt your feelings. I wholeheartedly welcome you to this site and hope you stick around for more support and some fun conversation too. All the best--let us know how things go!

[MrsK]

Welcome and congratulations to your SO for his achievement. You've already gotten some great advice here.

One of the things we say around here is that none of us fell in love with doctors. We fell for people who happened to be or became doctors. In other words, they are people that we love first, doctors second. This is usually said in response to someone who is fawning over our great fortune to have "landed a dawkter." At least you know that the lifestyle requires some sacrifice.

Also, some specialties are more family friendly than others. When I met my husband, he wanted to be a trauma surgeon. After he decided that he wanted a family, he switched to psychiatry. He still works hard but the hours are not as long as some other specialties.

Another thought, having a partner in medicine does require you to be more self reliant. ... which is something that you should do for yourself anyway. It's not smart to expect someone else to give you happiness or to entertain you all the time. There are many rewards to being somewhat autonomous. Also, if you do leave your SO, won't that be throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Rather than being independent in the relationship, would you rather be alone?

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 4

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! You've already made a wonderful move by joining this site! I think I would have fared so much better if I'd had iMSN during DH's medical school years. Great advice all around!

When I was working, I was in IT, first in programming, then testing, then writing requirements, mostly for banks and insurance companies. You know what? There were lots of days I had to put those jobs above my husband. We cancelled travel plans because my team had to finish a delivery on a Saturday. I missed date nights because testers needed me to stay past 8:00 p.m. I traveled for months, only seeing DH for a few hours on weekends he wasn't on call. And that was just an office job. Doctors aren't the only professions with time-sucking hours. I'm sure if you think about it, your current jobs have been inconvenient at times, too.

You can do this! Does your DH have any ideas about what specialty he wants to go into? If not, that's fine! He needs to pursue a specialty that he not only finds interesting, but also that provides the kind of lifestyle the two of you want. I know it's easy for them to get caught up in their dream and prestige, but they also need to realistically consider how much involvement they want to be able to have with you and your potential kids. Also, consider location. We live in a place that is almost too rural for us, but it's a smaller hospital, which gives DH really nice hours most of the time.

Not all of us are cut out to be surgery wives. I'm not! But with strategic decision making and a lot of respect between you and your husband, you can make this a really great life together. Don't let your soulmate go because of a job! (Alternatively, if you truly don't feel like your relationship will survive this, now is probably the best time to split up. Life will happen to you regardless of medical training. Don't drag out a bad match.)

[poky]

Hi, Whit -

My husband and I had been married more than 5 years when he applied to med school; we were both computer programmers at the same company at the time, and spent a lot of time together, and with no kids, we were pretty completely "equal", and I loved that. When he got accepted, I was really scared that him going to medical school 2500 miles away would be the end of us. Terrified of the marriage failure rates of doctors, and of not being his equal any more, and of moving, of all places, to CLEVELAND. We talked, and I eventually decided to embrace the adventure of it. I loved where we lived and all our friends there, but I loved him more, and this was his dream, and I didn't want to stand in the way of that just because I was afraid to go outside of my comfort zone. The first two years, yes, there's a lot of studying, but my husband preferred to study at home, which helped; his class hours weren't bad at all, and when he wasn't in class, he was at home, usually studying, but he was there. We had dinner together almost every single night. Then he had a year of research, when his hours were actually lighter than mine. Clinical MS years and residency are harder; some months have been rough for him, but they only lasted a month, and some were super-easy. As he's gone on in residency, he's done more and more of what he LIKES to do, and is good at, and less stuff he doesn't want to be doing, and the schedule's actually gotten easier, too (third years have 2 fewer shifts per month than second years in his program). I've come to really enjoy my "alone evenings", too.

You DO need to make a conscious decision to be in this with him, part of his team, helping and encouraging him, rather than dwelling on how this is different from what you want for you right now, if you're going to make this work. You're going to need to be pretty independent, and not expect him to drop things that he has to do just because you want him to. That said, as someone else already mentioned, "medicine is not a pass to be an ass". That means he does still have the responsibility to help out around the house (even if it's just minimally), and he doesn't get to take you completely for granted; when he DOES have free time, you should be a priority. We here have a lot of experience with various levels of dawkter asshattery, and are happy to help you get some perspective on whether he's actually being an ass, or if your expectations are too high right at that moment.

I would suggest that if you do move with him, you find a therapist to talk to about your fears and hopes and expectations. It's HARD to move to somewhere where you know nobody but your SO, when your SO is very busy, and he has an immediate built-in group of friend (his classmates), and you don't. It's scary. It's definitely doable, though, with the right attitude, and you can come out of it a stronger person.

We get it, and we're always here, no matter where you move.

[SoonerTexan]

Echoing what others have said, but I'll add one thing: med school honestly wasn't that bad. I'm working and we had 2 kids over the course of his education and while it was stressful at times, I think I'll look back on those years pretty fondly.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Echoing what others have said, but I'll add one thing: med school honestly wasn't that bad. I'm working and we had 2 kids over the course of his education and while it was stressful at times, I think I'll look back on those years pretty fondly.

Absolutely right. I'm pretty independent, so maybe it hasn't hit me too hard, but DH is just starting MS-4 and honestly, med school has been pretty easy breezy for us so far. I'm hoping karma doesn't come back to get us too bad in residency!

[Meenah]

When we first started dating he told me he wanted to be a Doctor, he has wanted to be one his entire life. ------------- and I am so angry that the thing he wants get in the way of that and that he picks being a Dr. over being the guy he has been for the past 6 years. I don't think I am strong enough to do what you ladies do.

BUT- the guy he has been for the past six years is a guy who was hoping to become a doctor. He ad his dreams are no different today. If you have been secretly hoping to change him / his goals then you really may have a problem surviving the medical roller coaster. If not, you can do it, and you are lucky enough to have found this support group!!!!

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Welcome! I agree with what everyone else has said. It will be different, maybe harder than your current situation, but if you are not all-in, then there will be issues. My real question is why is he going to med school? If he applied and said that he probably won't get in, was he saying that to make you feel better or because he thought that? Because if HE isn't completely 100% sure this is the path he wants to travel, there will be just as many issues. We're here for you!