Hello from Maine

[Lynnea]

@Lynnea, I have had many of the same thoughts as well. I firmly believe that it's entirely possible to be a good, involved spouse and parent while also being a doctor. I think some people feel as though they have worked so hard at school or on a rotation that they don't need to give much at home and the spouse should understand. I do think we have to meet them in the middle though. Both parties should be understanding about how to have a happy medium at home. A lot of times people will tell you to just have no expectations of your spouse and then you aren't disappointed. I won't do that. I think it's very sad way to be married if you have no expectations of your spouse...that's not a two way street. That's not how I want to be married and I don't want to lower my husband's standards so far that he ends up being conditioned to not have to do much because I'm not expecting him to. My problem in the past, and sometimes currently, is that I still have too-high expectations that I want him to live like he's not in med school but also want him to continue his academic success so we can match where we want. That is way too much pressure for him. IT's not fair. That's where I have to sit back and think that he's proven himself to still be a reliable partner, even if unavailable, and he's also done everything in his power to put himself in a good position for the match, so I need to temper what I expect of him so he can enjoy himself and not feel pressured or like he's falling short - because he's not at all. I'm immensely proud of him (and I should probably tell him that more than I already do!)

It's such a balancing act. But think about this: there are maybe 100 really active members here (I don't know, that's a guess)...but there are tens of thousands of medical spouses out there. Maybe some of them have needed a safe space for support but haven't found us...but also some haven't needed this kind of space/support. They are all different types of people, sure, but if being married to a doctor meant nothing but loneliness and disappointment and giving but not getting back...wouldn't all doctor's be single? For example, my aunt is married to an ED physician and she has adjusted to that life fairly seamlessly and has a super fulfilling personal life while my uncle is at work, and also adjusts her schedule to maximize her time with my uncle when he's off. She's just never had the type of despair and loneliness I have had. They've had a good go of it, all in all. I also think that from the docs POV, if they want to give their all in their home life and their career, they will learn to do so and figure out how to manage their time to excel both at home and at the hospital. Just my two cents. And I've talked this topic to death over the past few years. That's just one perspective, too. Some people are way more laid back and flexible and less emotional than I am and they've had an easier time with this.

I hope I can find the same strength as you have one day. It is inspiring how you have handled the ups and downs, and are able to keep it together as you have! I hope to keep you as a friend on here, I value everything you have said and appreciate your honesty! Thank you!

[GingerGirl]

Hi Lynnea! Being with someone in med school or residency is a lot to handle, but as this community shows it can be done! I hope you and your bf are making the transition ok. Side note: I have some family in Maine, beautiful state!

[MrsK]

Welcome. You've come to the right place. What's on your mind?

[Lynnea]

Hi Lynnea! Being with someone in med school or residency is a lot to handle, but as this community shows it can be done! I hope you and your bf are making the transition ok. Side note: I have some family in Maine, beautiful state!

Thank you! It is a lot of handle! We are trying to work things out now and figure out a way so that both of our needs are met and both of us are happy. I come from a previous marriage where I wasn't made a priority due to his career and ultimately he wasn't able to make the time for me that I needed so we ended up getting a divorce because I wasn't happy. Now that I am with my current SO, it obviously scares me with the career path he has chosen, however I feel like he is a completely different type of person than my ex and wants to make the time for me as best he can. He has told me that once training is over he wouldn't mind having a job that is family oriented and doesn't involve a lot of overnights and call, so knowing that he has those goals in mind for us makes this whole journey a little easier to handle I suppose. It is still very frustrating and over whelming for me. What is your background and story with your SO? It's nice meeting you on here and I look forward to chatting with you again!