Duggers expecting #19

[DCJenn]

I just asked my cousin (one of six) for the birthdates of spouses and children (for everyone) and she had to send it to me on a spreadsheet.

I'm glad I was just one of two but I have to say, the cousins were REALLY fun to hang out with at the beach every year.

J

[PrincessFiona]

I do have to add that we have 5 kids and my children have jobs that involve helping with the little ones...I don't feel a shred of guilt, nor am I terribly concerned for whether or not they feel offended by it. I see it as part and parcel of being part of a big family.

When you don't overdo it, it can be really positive for the younger and older children. Andrew always holds Aidan's hand when we go out somewhere and Amanda always takes Zoe's hand...If we go to a restaurant, I might even ask them to take one of the children out to the lobby.

Ultimately, as the mom, I am in charge, but giving the older one's responsibility lets them be leaders, feel helpful and engages them with their sibling. The little ones admire them and feel comfortable and loved. My older kids are responsible for seatbelt buckling in the back if they are in the back (and they are happy to do it 99.9% of the time).

It's win/win. They certainly aren't being robbed of their childhoods by being responsible for holding hands with their younger sibling while walking out in public! It is actually neat to see.

Kris

[migirl]

To me, this is one of those "It's not a choice I would make, but if it works for you then fine" kinda things.

[mommax3]

DH (who is not a high-risk OB) delivers babies of moms over 40 all the time.

[L.Jane]

I just asked my cousin (one of six) for the birthdates of spouses and children (for everyone) and she had to send it to me on a spreadsheet.

I'm glad I was just one of two but I have to say, the cousins were REALLY fun to hang out with at the beach every year.

J

We have a spreadsheet for our family too. I have no ability to remember all the aunts, uncles and cousins, birthdays on my own, and my grandmother has gotten the grandchildren's birthdays mixed up way more then once. (I think one year I got my birthday card and my sisters birthday card ) But we love it anyway. But then again my grandfather on the other side did that too and he only has 8 grandchildren (compared to her 19 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren)

I do have to add that we have 5 kids and my children have jobs that involve helping with the little ones...I don't feel a shred of guilt, nor am I terribly concerned for whether or not they feel offended by it. I see it as part and parcel of being part of a big family.

That's totally different. I think it's really, really common (and reasonable) for older kids to help out with younger ones. Heck - the boys help me with Mattie! But the way it is portrayed on the show is entirely different. Mom takes care of the newborn while she is nursing. Basically once the child is toddler age, she goes into the care of one of the older girls - for pretty much everything. It's not a "helping" kind of thing, and that's where I take issue. I don't take issue in a way that says "They're awful parents!" I take issue saying "That's not a choice I agree with or would make in my home."

Either way, I think there are far worse things you could do to a kid.

[Rapunzel]

I said something like this the last time she got pregnant, and I'll say it again....

whether it is "pencil down a hallway" or "hotdog down a hallway", I think those are rude comments. I don't see what is so offensive about their choices.....I can think of worse parenting just by considering some of the parents of kids in my classroom. I understand that they put themselves out there by being on tv, but I think the above comments are uncalled for.

Just as an aside, I have friends who have serious issues with prolapse, etc. and I was really surprised, because they have only had 2 or 3 children. Just goes to show you it can happen to anyone.

Yup, the "hotdog" or "pencil" down the hallway comments are rude and pretty far off-base in the assumptions made.

I'd say that if she is able to have a healthy sex life (which it appears she does since we see the obvious "fruits" of those efforts ) after that many kids her hoo-ha and corresponding equipment are in fine working order.

[Rapunzel]

We've got a lot of newbies on here now. So, for background: I have six children ranging from 12 years to 22 months. My husband and I have been married 14 years.

I have an interesting perspective on the large family dynamic in our culture. Part of this dynamic is that I don't seem to look like the picture of a "mom of six children" people have in their heads. I'm very thin (125 lbs soaking wet) and look about ten years younger than I am. Despite my recent penchant for wearing stretchy pants around the house I tend to wear rather fashionable, tailored clothing. I'm somewhat of a clothes horse, really. I think people expect to see a woman who looks like she has completely let herself go when they think of a woman with six children (all biologically her own). I say that because a typical conversation (with a stranger in public) goes something like this:

Stranger stops - mouth usually gaping open: "Are they ALL yours?!"

Me (generally smiling so they understand that this is a HAPPY answer): "Yes"

Stranger: "I mean, are some of them step children or something?" (This is usually accompanied by many glances at me - people seem to have no problem just staring at a total stranger in public ).

Me: "No"

Stranger: "You must have your hands full!"

Me: "Yes, actually, I'm quite busy." (And, that lets me make the point that this impromptu inquisition is over and I'm moving on - buh-bye!).

I think a lot of the shock people have towards large families in our culture is that parenting skills are becoming a lost art. People just haven't any concept of how to organize a household - not so it's perfect - but so it works. People are more comfortable having five pets than they are having five children. We are a society where human contact is increasingly rare (just take as an example the fact that I am typing this out over the internet to a bunch of virtual strangers intermixed with a handful of long-distance friends).

I have had some crazy (and, VERY rude) responses over the years - almost always from complete strangers. I've been called a "breeder". I've been asked if I was "just the nanny". I've had people basically accuse me of lying about these all being my children. I've had people try to give me commiseration (as if this were a disease or something awful)! Rather than coming away from these experiences with the idea that there is something "wrong" with my family I've come away thinking that our society is on the verge of collapse if people can't fathom that intelligent, educated, and involved people would choose to parent six children.

I don't see myself having 19 children. I have limits that I must accept. If I didn't have these limits I might just make the same choice that Michelle Duggar has made - I don't know since that is completely speculative. The FACT that Michelle Duggar has limits that are far higher than probably anyone on this message board is something that I would hope causes thoughts of, "If she can do it with that many then I can certainly handle my one, two, or three children" rather than ridicule about "pencils" and "hotdogs".

The fact is that the Duggars make people in our society uncomfortable precisely because they point out the fallacy of many assumptions we might make to help us feel better about our own choices in life. It makes people feel better to smugly assume that the mom with half a dozen children is a horrific mess. And, it is uncomfortable for those same people when that reality is far from the assumption. That is my own experience with this particular situation and I think it is pretty close to what happens with regard to negative reactions towards the Duggar family.

Are the Duggars making wise choices? Well, as is the case for ALL of us - only time will tell. But, they seem to have a heck of a better track record than a good portion of our society.

[Rapunzel]

DH (who is not a high-risk OB) delivers babies of moms over 40 all the time.

Powered by the recent spat of over-40ish celebrity types having babies there seems to be a growing vogue to wait to have children until well after 35.

I'm surprised that anyone here is actually surprised that a 42 year old woman is having children! For instance, the AVERAGE age for a woman to have her FIRST child in Boston is 35. This is not something mind-boggling....

[moonlight]

Yup, the "hotdog" or "pencil" down the hallway comments are rude and pretty far off-base in the assumptions made.

I'd say that if she is able to have a healthy sex life (which it appears she does since we see the obvious "fruits" of those efforts ) after that many kids her hoo-ha and corresponding equipment are in fine working order.

I wouldn't say the assumptions are off based, but I did apologize for any hurt feelings on the last page. I hope you read that. Did you? Me (and the other guy) are really sorry to have offended and hurt your feelings Rapunzel.

[GrayMatterWife]

For instance, the AVERAGE age for a woman to have her FIRST child in Boston is 35.

This might relate to the "maximum number of kids to be socially acceptable" idea.

When I told my judge (my boss) that I was expecting DD last year, he was really nice and congratulated me, then added: "Great! Two! So you're done! More than two just isn't necessary."

???? Necessary?

I did not share with him that we'd like more... He didn't mean it the way that it sounded.

[houseelf]

When I told my judge (my boss) that I was expecting DD last year, he was really nice and congratulated me, then added: "Great! Two! So you're done! More than two just isn't necessary."

I had the same experience from my (childless) female judge, except she expressed a little more disapproval of the thought of three kids.

Geesh.

Kelly

Stranger: "You must have your hands full!"

Me: "Yes, actually, I'm quite busy." (And, that lets me make the point that this impromptu inquisition is over and I'm moving on - buh-bye!).

I like Sylvia's answer to this: "Better than empty!" and have used it a few times (even I get the "hands full" comment, and I have 3!).

[Rapunzel]

I wouldn't say the assumptions are off based, but I did apologize for any hurt feelings on the last page. I hope you read that. Did you? Me (and the other guy) are really sorry to have offended and hurt your feelings Rapunzel.

I posted that comment before I read the entire thread.

The assumptions that their sex life (or anyone else's with more than two or three children) is like throwing a pencil (or hotdog) down a hallway are based upon what exactly? You claim those assumptions are NOT off base so I am asking why.

And, you do realize that by weakly attempting to defend your insulting comment you are, in fact, negating any apologies for said comment?

[scrub-jay]

I come from a 2-kid family and am very close with my brother. That being said, I don't feel any animosity toward large families - and don't really understand the negative comments that parents (especially mothers) of large families seem to receive.

Honestly, for me, the primary emotion is admiration!! I think it is just a choice that each family needs to make based on their own values. I think it is a similar comparison that until you are there - don't judge, really. Look at parenthood from a financial standpoint or a time necessary standpoint and very few people would become parents. However, those of you who have kids -- how many would give them back for the money and time saved?

So, to me, the thought that a person with 6 kids suffers more than a person with 1 or none-- I'd be willing to bet that the benefits outweigh the costs...every time. Sorry, now I feel like I'm rambling.