walking in another's shoes

[SueC]

First of all, Lunatic--that is such a heartbreaking story! I can see why you are still angry to this day. Isn't it amazing that children wouldn't necessarily tell you when something like that is going on? My sister and I (only 12 months apart) had a bad daycare experience as kids and we never told our parents until we were adults. It just never occured to us that that was something they would need to know about. We were about 3 and 4 at the time.
Also, I wonder too if dads agonize as much over their choices in life that we do. I know my husband sometimes worries that he made a mistake by choosing such a demanding field. Of course, when he started the process he was young and unmarried so he wasn't necessarily thinking of how it would affect the family that didn't exist yet!
At any rate, it has been pretty interesting to read everyone's thoughts on this subject.

[PrincessFiona]

curious64

I think that's another good point...curious64...

Something Nellie and I have been talking about is also an issue that plays into this...one I'm loathe to bring up though, but I will....

My parents divorced after my mom did the hard years of raising chidren, working any shift that she could get as a nurse (and we needed the income because my dad was in the military and didn't make much)...and basically singlehandedly moving the familiy every couple of years. She supported my dad through all of the meager times....and when he finally left the military and worked his way up through American to earn a very, very nice salary as a pilot...he left her.

My mom went back to school and ended up getting her NP after turning 50. She is now 59 years old, working very hard full-time and also at a part-time job to pay for going back to school and for what it cost her to care for my grandmother as she died of Alzheimer's disease/cancer. Though she may have finally gone back and lived out her dreams of becoming a nurse practitioner, she is now older, exhausted, suffers from rheumatoid arthritis...and is...ok I'll say it...bitter.

I can't help but recognize that I have a fear that one day this could happen to me. Thomas assures me that it will never, ever happen...but who knows??...

Could it be that we are also affected strongly by our own relationship to our families and the high divorce rate in this country? Does anyone else ever worry about this if they come from a family that has lived through divorce? I know my parent's divorce played a real role in me finishing my master's degree...

That's a real bummer of a question though...I hope it's not the debate stopper

[PrincessFiona]

ed/career

I think that's another good point...curious64...

Something Nellie and I have been talking about is also an issue that plays into this...one I'm loathe to bring up though, but I will....

My parents divorced after my mom did the hard years of raising chidren, working any shift that she could get as a nurse (and we needed the income because my dad was in the military and didn't make much)...and basically singlehandedly moving the familiy every couple of years. She supported my dad through all of the meager times....and when he finally left the military and worked his way up through American to earn a very, very nice salary as a pilot...he left her.

My mom went back to school and ended up getting her NP after turning 50. She is now 59 years old, working very hard full-time and also at a part-time job to pay for going back to school and for what it cost her to care for my grandmother as she died of Alzheimer's disease/cancer. Though she may have finally gone back and lived out her dreams of becoming a nurse practitioner, she is now older, exhausted, suffers from rheumatoid arthritis...and is...ok I'll say it...bitter.

I can't help but recognize that I have a fear that one day this could happen to me. Thomas assures me that it will never, ever happen...but who knows??...

Could it be that we are also affected strongly by our own relationship to our families and the high divorce rate in this country? Does anyone else ever worry about this if they come from a family that has lived through divorce? I know my parent's divorce played a real role in me finishing my master's degree...

That's a real bummer of a question though...I hope it's not the debate stopper

[PrincessFiona]

divorce?

I think that's another good point...curious64...

Something Nellie and I have been talking about is also an issue that plays into this...one I'm loathe to bring up though, but I will....

My parents divorced after my mom did the hard years of raising chidren, working any shift that she could get as a nurse (and we needed the income because my dad was in the military and didn't make much)...and basically singlehandedly moving the familiy every couple of years. She supported my dad through all of the meager times....and when he finally left the military and worked his way up through American to earn a very, very nice salary as a pilot...he left her.

My mom went back to school and ended up getting her NP after turning 50. She is now 59 years old, working very hard full-time and also at a part-time job to pay for going back to school and for what it cost her to care for my grandmother as she died of Alzheimer's disease/cancer. Though she may have finally gone back and lived out her dreams of becoming a nurse practitioner, she is now older, exhausted, suffers from rheumatoid arthritis...and is...ok I'll say it...bitter.

I can't help but recognize that I have a fear that one day this could happen to me. Thomas assures me that it will never, ever happen...but who knows??...

Could it be that we are also affected strongly by our own relationship to our families and the high divorce rate in this country? Does anyone else ever worry about this if they come from a family that has lived through divorce? I know my parent's divorce played a real role in me finishing my master's degree...

That's a real bummer of a question though...I hope it's not the debate stopper

[PrincessFiona]

ed

I think that's another good point...curious64...

Something Nellie and I have been talking about is also an issue that plays into this...one I'm loathe to bring up though, but I will....

My parents divorced after my mom did the hard years of raising chidren, working any shift that she could get as a nurse (and we needed the income because my dad was in the military and didn't make much)...and basically singlehandedly moving the familiy every couple of years. She supported my dad through all of the meager times....and when he finally left the military and worked his way up through American to earn a very, very nice salary as a pilot...he left her.

My mom went back to school and ended up getting her NP after turning 50. She is now 59 years old, working very hard full-time and also at a part-time job to pay for going back to school and for what it cost her to care for my grandmother as she died of Alzheimer's disease/cancer. Though she may have finally gone back and lived out her dreams of becoming a nurse practitioner, she is now older, exhausted, suffers from rheumatoid arthritis...and is...ok I'll say it...bitter.

I can't help but recognize that I have a fear that one day this could happen to me. Thomas assures me that it will never, ever happen...but who knows??...

Could it be that we are also affected strongly by our own relationship to our families and the high divorce rate in this country? Does anyone else ever worry about this if they come from a family that has lived through divorce? I know my parent's divorce played a real role in me finishing my master's degree...

That's a real bummer of a question though...I hope it's not the debate stopper

[mommax3]

Wow, Kris, you must have felt strongly about your previous post!

I know that my choice of major and my determination to get a degree that led to a defined job and a pretty portable one, at that, was largely based on watching my mom struggle to finish college with four daughters (one who was severely handicapped) and very spotty child support payments. I swore that I would never be in her shoes -- and I never will be. No matter what, I have a degree and five years of experience in the field, and although teachers don't make a lot of money, they are needed pretty much wherever you go, so I figure that if the worst happened, I could get a job and then take more classes/get another degree in order to earn more money.

I was all about making the "safe" choices when I was younger -- i.e. teaching wasn't glamorous, but it is fairly secure -- better to do that than to reach "too high" and get burned. I am sad to say that I didn't dream too much as a young girl/teenager because I didn't think dreams came true. As I look at that now, it makes me sad, but I only think differently now because of the confidence in myself that I have found in the years since I graduated from college and got married. As weird as this sounds, deciding to get married when I did (immediately following graduation at age 21) to the guy I married ( a nineteen year old 8O with only a year of college under his belt) was a huge walk on the wild side for me. It was definitely not the "safe" choice -- that would have been someone older and out of school. I followed my heart and not my head that one time, and because of that, I did start to dream and I have had experiences and happiness beyond my wildest expectations.

I am not naive about marriage, but I do have faith in what I have built with DH. We work at it and are willing to sacrifice a lot in order to keep our relationship healthy. I know he could do something that would screw the whole thing up tomorrow, but for that matter, so could I. I don't believe that will happen, though, mostly because of what we have already been through as a couple, and because if I choose to think that way, I will spoil what exists now.

My mom didn't ever support my Dad (or herself before marriage) but he left her (with four daughters) for a younger woman when I was quite young. In talking with her since I have been grown and married myself, I have come to see that her marriage was based on very different things than mine is, and her relationship with my Dad was never as strong as is the one I have with my husband. She sees this too, and I hope that this is a more hopeful legacy of children of divorce than the legacies we usually hear. My feeling growing up was that if my mom could single-handedly do all she did, then there was no need to be involved with a man unless he was your best friend -- no woman "needed" a man to survive.

So, (I apologize for all the soul baring!) I agree with you, Kris -- I think that fear does exist amongst women who grew up in families affected by divorce, but in my case I think that living through that experience made me A LOT more careful about choosing my mate and thus protected me from divorce a little better. I don't think that making decisions out of fear is the best policy, even though it feels nice and safe to do it that way, because it keeps us from living in the moment and enjoying it.

Sally

[PrincessFiona]

testing

For some reason, I can't reply to the post anymore..this is a test...

hmmm

kris

[Rapunzel]

Reading the replies I am going to throw in that of the women I've known personally who have acted as both childcare providers in a daycare setting and as private nannies ALL of them have had the experience of at least one child they have worked with repeatedly and purposefully calling them "Mommy" - even after being corrected. I actually witnessed this while visiting a friend in her home once. I think for small children especially the line gets blurred because from a child's perspective mother is a verb primarily - but also a title given to the one who "mothers" them.

This explains how a child who spent a portion of childhood taken care of by one mother can be adopted by another woman who raises him/her and call her "Mother" (witness remarriage after widowhood). I think that women who have never given birth can and do have mothering feelings towards children they did not give birth to but take care of day and and day out (witness adoption). So, what makes paid childcare providers an exception? I would argue that these phenomenons exist with children - especially small children - across the board.

As a final example: My own mother spent a great deal of time taking care of my son when my twin daughters were born. In fact for a period of time I could sincerely call her his primary care giver. He still saw me quite a bit during the day and evening but my mother is the one who physically took care of him and was there for him for all of the little "inconsequential" things during the days. This was around the time he had his second and third neurosurgeries. After his third neurosurgery I was lying down in his bed with him as he woke out of the anesthesia. He was not quite 3 at the time. As he woke up my son turned to me and said, "Where's my Mommy?" Thinking he was disoriented from the anesthesia I said, "Mommy's here, sweetie." My son then looked me straight in the face, fully awake, and said, "No, my other Mommy." He was only satisfied when my mother entered the room. My reaction to this? Relief that he had a mother to be there for him when I could not.

I firmly believe that all children seek a mother figure during their everyday activities. This mother figure may be their mother, a nanny, a daycare worker, a teacher, etc. But, they seek a mother out and they find a mother in whomever is "mothering" them.

[Rapunzel]

Reading the replies I am going to throw in that of the women I've known personally who have acted as both childcare providers in a daycare setting and as private nannies ALL of them have had the experience of at least one child they have worked with repeatedly and purposefully calling them "Mommy" - even after being corrected. I actually witnessed this while visiting a friend in her home once. I think for small children especially the line gets blurred because from a child's perspective mother is a verb primarily - but also a title given to the one who "mothers" them.

This explains how a child who spent a portion of childhood taken care of by one mother can be adopted by another woman who raises him/her and call her "Mother" (witness remarriage after widowhood). I think that women who have never given birth can and do have mothering feelings towards children they did not give birth to but take care of day and and day out (witness adoption). So, what makes paid childcare providers an exception? I would argue that these phenomenons exist with children - especially small children - across the board.

As a final example: My own mother spent a great deal of time taking care of my son when my twin daughters were born. In fact for a period of time I could sincerely call her his primary care giver. He still saw me quite a bit during the day and evening but my mother is the one who physically took care of him and was there for him for all of the little "inconsequential" things during the days. This was around the time he had his second and third neurosurgeries. After his third neurosurgery I was lying down in his bed with him as he woke out of the anesthesia. He was not quite 3 at the time. As he woke up my son turned to me and said, "Where's my Mommy?" Thinking he was disoriented from the anesthesia I said, "Mommy's here, sweetie." My son then looked me straight in the face, fully awake, and said, "No, my other Mommy." He was only satisfied when my mother entered the room. My reaction to this? Relief that he had a mother to be there for him when I could not.

I firmly believe that all children seek a mother figure during their everyday activities. This mother figure may be their mother, a nanny, a daycare worker, a teacher, etc. But, they seek a mother out and they find a mother in whomever is "mothering" them.

[Rapunzel]

Reading the replies I am going to throw in that of the women I've known personally who have acted as both childcare providers in a daycare setting and as private nannies ALL of them have had the experience of at least one child they have worked with repeatedly and purposefully calling them "Mommy" - even after being corrected. I actually witnessed this while visiting a friend in her home once. I think for small children especially the line gets blurred because from a child's perspective mother is a verb primarily - but also a title given to the one who "mothers" them.

This explains how a child who spent a portion of childhood taken care of by one mother can be adopted by another woman who raises him/her and call her "Mother" (witness remarriage after widowhood). I think that women who have never given birth can and do have mothering feelings towards children they did not give birth to but take care of day and and day out (witness adoption). So, what makes paid childcare providers an exception? I would argue that these phenomenons exist with children - especially small children - across the board.

As a final example: My own mother spent a great deal of time taking care of my son when my twin daughters were born. In fact for a period of time I could sincerely call her his primary care giver. He still saw me quite a bit during the day and evening but my mother is the one who physically took care of him and was there for him for all of the little "inconsequential" things during the days. This was around the time he had his second and third neurosurgeries. After his third neurosurgery I was lying down in his bed with him as he woke out of the anesthesia. He was not quite 3 at the time. As he woke up my son turned to me and said, "Where's my Mommy?" Thinking he was disoriented from the anesthesia I said, "Mommy's here, sweetie." My son then looked me straight in the face, fully awake, and said, "No, my other Mommy." He was only satisfied when my mother entered the room. My reaction to this? Relief that he had a mother to be there for him when I could not.

I firmly believe that all children seek a mother figure during their everyday activities. This mother figure may be their mother, a nanny, a daycare worker, a teacher, etc. But, they seek a mother out and they find a mother in whomever is "mothering" them.[/i]

OK, I have been following this thread closely, but haven't had an extended period to write until now. I am not sure what I want to write, but I feel a need to explore my feelings on these issues. I think I had a fairly unique upbringing. My brother and sister are 7 and 8 years older than I, so they provided a lot of my mothering when my parents were not around, in early childhood. Both of my parents worked full-time for as long as I can remember.

My mother was a psychiatric social worker and the main breadwinner. My Dad was a journalist. Up until I was about 6 years old, my Dad worked as a night editor for a major newspaper. Before kindergarten, I fondly remember my Dad driving my Mom to work every day (Mom was totally deaf in one ear and found driving very difficult) and then we used to go out to breakfast and to a local park. Recently my Dad told me that those days were very special for him because he was able to spend time with me as a young child unlike he was able to when my sibs were that age.

My parents always expressed how much they loved their jobs and over and over and over I saw examples of how they both contributed to our community. They both taught me a firm belief in taking responsibility for the world around us, to make things better for the future. Both were highly regarded professionals in their fields and used their skills to make a difference in the lives of others.

I never was in daycare as a child. I guess I was more of a latchkey kid. Starting in first grade, I walked 2 blocks home from school alone and looked under the big rock in the front yard where we hid the key. I would let myself in the door and hang out alone for an hour until my sibs came home to watch me. I spent most of my afterschool time playing with friends in the neighborhood, riding bikes, running around, playing baseball in my front yard-----all unsupervised. When it was almost dark I would go inside and my sister would heat up dinner.....soon my parents would come home and we would eat together and share about our day.

As I got older, I took responsibility myself to finish my homework, heat up dinner, set out my clothes, etc. By the time I was 10, both of my sibs were out of the house and I spent my entire teen years as an only child, I guess. I did my own thing and was very responsible and conscientious. My parents worked very hard during those years and were often very tired. My Mom had numerous health problems that arose then too, but she kept on working, in between hospital stays and illnesses. My Dad did all of the shopping, mainly because he was the sole driver. He also did a lot of the household chores because he just didn't want my Mom to have to do anything extra. My Mom used to work late a few nights a week, running various therapy groups.

When I turned 12, I started volunteering at her office. I used to stop there on the days I had violin lessons nearby. I took 2 buses from my school to her office and then another bus to get to the music conservatory. I loved hanging out at my Mom's office and watching how highly respected she was by everyone. I found myself drawn to her office and found many ways to be helpful there in between school and music lessons...and later, theatre involvement. She was a highly sought out speaker and ran workshops all over the country. She published several journal articles and presented at conferences all over the place. A few times, she took me out of school to go to conferences and professional retreats as a teen. I loved it!!!!!!!!

She developed a family therapy camping model for abusive families. She received grants and put together a first of it's kind program to help abusive families reconnect and heal after going through foster care. She basically arranged for groups of families to be reunited in a camping setting over a period of several weekends and then to continue with follow-up treatment throughout the year. I loved working at the camp and seeing the seemingly miraculous changes that happened there as my mother nurtured and empowered these young troubled parents, so that they could learn safe ways to care for their own kids.

I remember my Dad taking me to his office which was located in Los Angeles City Hall. On numerous occasions I had lunch with the mayor and met all of the city council members. The chief of police once gave me a gold necklace with tiny handcuffs on them and the seal of the city. On evenings when Mom was working late, I accompanied my Dad to several black tie fundraising affairs and other events that he was covering as a reporter. I loved the way he could get into anywhere by showing his presspass. He loved writing and talking to people!!! He loved teaching me about all the things he was doing and why it was important for others to know what was happening in the community and how decisions are made politically. He was very committed to the mission of getting the facts out and thoroughly investigating his leads from every angle. To this day I have never seen anyone type as fast as he can.

So, what's my point???? I loved having hard working parents who loved their jobs. I always knew that what they were doing was very important. The only times I can remember feeling somewhat neglected were on parent-teacher nights and during school and community performances and girl scout events, etc. My Mom missed all of that stuff, almost. My Dad was able to come to some things.

I remember the day I broke my arm at school when I was in 6th grade. At first I didn't want the nurse to call my Mom's office to interrupt her therapy session, insisting that she leave an urgent message, but not interrupt her vital work. I remember being shocked by how fast my Mom was able to get a taxi to come get me to take me to the Dr. that day. She cancelled all of her appointments for the rest of the day----as I had to get xrays and see an ortho guy to fix my mangled, dislocated wrist. We went in taxis from place to place to get me taken care of. I guess my point is that when I really needed her---she dropped everything and took care of me.

Actually, every single day, she took care of me....just in small segments. Every single night of my life at home with my Mom, she tucked me in and sat on my bed and we talked about everything and anything for about 30 minutes. She knew everything that was happening to me and she cared deeply about my experiences and feelings and remembered everything I had told her before in detail. When she was sick, my Dad would fill in, but he would sing me his favorite songs from the 1940's instead...and that was always fun, too.

I grew up knowing that I wanted to be a social worker. And that's just what I did do. I loved it with a passion and deeply rooted commitment. I worked for seven years as a family therapist and even completed a 5 year post graduate training program in family therapy. I was on the faculty of Columbia University's School of Social work during a 4 year period, as well. I never imagined a reason that would stop me from working.

Two years into our marriage, Alan began his surgical residency and we had to move from NYC to Buffalo. At the time, I was a few months pregnant with our first child. Actually, our second---I had had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, earlier that year. I quit my job to move to Buffalo for his residency. I had horrendous morning sickness and there was no way I could look for a job, let alone unpack. I started showing pretty soon and didn't think I would be very hire-able. Then my water broke at 33 weeks and we had a sick preemie who had numerous infections and a urinary deformity. I spent 30 days visiting her in the hospital everyday with my little baggies of pumped milk. Upon discharge I was told to keep her at home for 2 months, except for Dr. appointments. Well, somehow, I just never went looking for a job. That was almost 6 years ago. We've had 2 other kids and they both had mild to extreme health problems and both later pregnancies were high risk with premature labor and extended bed rests and meds.

While I miss my career dearly. I just have been unable to imagine leaving my babies with someone else. It just didn't feel right for me. They had strange illnesses and needed meds and special care and I never felt comfortable leaving them with anyone else for an extended period. In the ICU I was told how vital it was to nurse my babies for as long as possible, especially with the problems they had. So I nursed them until they chose to stop between 14-16 months of age, each.

My husband supported me at each step along the way, preferring that I stay home, but never pushing one way or another. He wound up changing from surgery to nuclear medicine mainly because of lifestyle issues. He wanted to have more time to enjoy with us instead of being constantly exhausted. He made a major career change which was quite risky and gutsy at the time. We picked up and moved to PA, so that we could have a better family life with a nuclear medicine fellowship. Having children has changed my priorities and his, too. I love being here for my kids and I think he loves that too.

On the other hand, my children are very social and active. As soon as I started seeing their needs increasing for greater stimulation than I was able to provide, I entered them into preschool/daycamps. Starting at age 2 or so, each of our kids has enjoyed wonderful half day programs geared toward their developmental needs. They thrive in structured and creative settings and I love hearing of their adventures when they come back home, tired and dirty, with paint under their fingernails. I enjoy having a few hours to myself to work in the house and on numerous other projects---like mortgage shopping, for example. I also think it's wonderful for my kids to experience other types of caregiving and learn to trust (within limits) and care about other adults and kids. I want them to be exposed to ideas and ways of living other than my own, within a safe context, of course. I find that when I have a few hours away from the kids now, I feel so much more positive and destressed when they return.

I think that when all 3 are in school in the coming year or so, I will look for a part time social work job somewhere to do when they are away. While I did okay on my own a lot as a young child....I don't wnat my kids to go through that. I do want to be there when they go to school and when they come home---every day. I also want a fulfilling professional career....but I will have to pursue it in small chunks, I guess.

So....what is the point of all this rambling of mine ???? I have no idea. All I know is that I have got to go to sleep now. I'm terribly sorry this is so incredibly longwinded. If you've actually read this far------thanks.

OK, I have been following this thread closely, but haven't had an extended period to write until now. I am not sure what I want to write, but I feel a need to explore my feelings on these issues. I think I had a fairly unique upbringing. My brother and sister are 7 and 8 years older than I, so they provided a lot of my mothering when my parents were not around, in early childhood. Both of my parents worked full-time for as long as I can remember.

My mother was a psychiatric social worker and the main breadwinner. My Dad was a journalist. Up until I was about 6 years old, my Dad worked as a night editor for a major newspaper. Before kindergarten, I fondly remember my Dad driving my Mom to work every day (Mom was totally deaf in one ear and found driving very difficult) and then we used to go out to breakfast and to a local park. Recently my Dad told me that those days were very special for him because he was able to spend time with me as a young child unlike he was able to when my sibs were that age.

My parents always expressed how much they loved their jobs and over and over and over I saw examples of how they both contributed to our community. They both taught me a firm belief in taking responsibility for the world around us, to make things better for the future. Both were highly regarded professionals in their fields and used their skills to make a difference in the lives of others.

I never was in daycare as a child. I guess I was more of a latchkey kid. Starting in first grade, I walked 2 blocks home from school alone and looked under the big rock in the front yard where we hid the key. I would let myself in the door and hang out alone for an hour until my sibs came home to watch me. I spent most of my afterschool time playing with friends in the neighborhood, riding bikes, running around, playing baseball in my front yard-----all unsupervised. When it was almost dark I would go inside and my sister would heat up dinner.....soon my parents would come home and we would eat together and share about our day.

As I got older, I took responsibility myself to finish my homework, heat up dinner, set out my clothes, etc. By the time I was 10, both of my sibs were out of the house and I spent my entire teen years as an only child, I guess. I did my own thing and was very responsible and conscientious. My parents worked very hard during those years and were often very tired. My Mom had numerous health problems that arose then too, but she kept on working, in between hospital stays and illnesses. My Dad did all of the shopping, mainly because he was the sole driver. He also did a lot of the household chores because he just didn't want my Mom to have to do anything extra. My Mom used to work late a few nights a week, running various therapy groups.

When I turned 12, I started volunteering at her office. I used to stop there on the days I had violin lessons nearby. I took 2 buses from my school to her office and then another bus to get to the music conservatory. I loved hanging out at my Mom's office and watching how highly respected she was by everyone. I found myself drawn to her office and found many ways to be helpful there in between school and music lessons...and later, theatre involvement. She was a highly sought out speaker and ran workshops all over the country. She published several journal articles and presented at conferences all over the place. A few times, she took me out of school to go to conferences and professional retreats as a teen. I loved it!!!!!!!!

She developed a family therapy camping model for abusive families. She received grants and put together a first of it's kind program to help abusive families reconnect and heal after going through foster care. She basically arranged for groups of families to be reunited in a camping setting over a period of several weekends and then to continue with follow-up treatment throughout the year. I loved working at the camp and seeing the seemingly miraculous changes that happened there as my mother nurtured and empowered these young troubled parents, so that they could learn safe ways to care for their own kids.

I remember my Dad taking me to his office which was located in Los Angeles City Hall. On numerous occasions I had lunch with the mayor and met all of the city council members. The chief of police once gave me a gold necklace with tiny handcuffs on them and the seal of the city. On evenings when Mom was working late, I accompanied my Dad to several black tie fundraising affairs and other events that he was covering as a reporter. I loved the way he could get into anywhere by showing his presspass. He loved writing and talking to people!!! He loved teaching me about all the things he was doing and why it was important for others to know what was happening in the community and how decisions are made politically. He was very committed to the mission of getting the facts out and thoroughly investigating his leads from every angle. To this day I have never seen anyone type as fast as he can.

So, what's my point???? I loved having hard working parents who loved their jobs. I always knew that what they were doing was very important. The only times I can remember feeling somewhat neglected were on parent-teacher nights and during school and community performances and girl scout events, etc. My Mom missed all of that stuff, almost. My Dad was able to come to some things.

I remember the day I broke my arm at school when I was in 6th grade. At first I didn't want the nurse to call my Mom's office to interrupt her therapy session, insisting that she leave an urgent message, but not interrupt her vital work. I remember being shocked by how fast my Mom was able to get a taxi to come get me to take me to the Dr. that day. She cancelled all of her appointments for the rest of the day----as I had to get xrays and see an ortho guy to fix my mangled, dislocated wrist. We went in taxis from place to place to get me taken care of. I guess my point is that when I really needed her---she dropped everything and took care of me.

Actually, every single day, she took care of me....just in small segments. Every single night of my life at home with my Mom, she tucked me in and sat on my bed and we talked about everything and anything for about 30 minutes. She knew everything that was happening to me and she cared deeply about my experiences and feelings and remembered everything I had told her before in detail. When she was sick, my Dad would fill in, but he would sing me his favorite songs from the 1940's instead...and that was always fun, too.

I grew up knowing that I wanted to be a social worker. And that's just what I did do. I loved it with a passion and deeply rooted commitment. I worked for seven years as a family therapist and even completed a 5 year post graduate training program in family therapy. I was on the faculty of Columbia University's School of Social work during a 4 year period, as well. I never imagined a reason that would stop me from working.

Two years into our marriage, Alan began his surgical residency and we had to move from NYC to Buffalo. At the time, I was a few months pregnant with our first child. Actually, our second---I had had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, earlier that year. I quit my job to move to Buffalo for his residency. I had horrendous morning sickness and there was no way I could look for a job, let alone unpack. I started showing pretty soon and didn't think I would be very hire-able. Then my water broke at 33 weeks and we had a sick preemie who had numerous infections and a urinary deformity. I spent 30 days visiting her in the hospital everyday with my little baggies of pumped milk. Upon discharge I was told to keep her at home for 2 months, except for Dr. appointments. Well, somehow, I just never went looking for a job. That was almost 6 years ago. We've had 2 other kids and they both had mild to extreme health problems and both later pregnancies were high risk with premature labor and extended bed rests and meds.

While I miss my career dearly. I just have been unable to imagine leaving my babies with someone else. It just didn't feel right for me. They had strange illnesses and needed meds and special care and I never felt comfortable leaving them with anyone else for an extended period. In the ICU I was told how vital it was to nurse my babies for as long as possible, especially with the problems they had. So I nursed them until they chose to stop between 14-16 months of age, each.

My husband supported me at each step along the way, preferring that I stay home, but never pushing one way or another. He wound up changing from surgery to nuclear medicine mainly because of lifestyle issues. He wanted to have more time to enjoy with us instead of being constantly exhausted. He made a major career change which was quite risky and gutsy at the time. We picked up and moved to PA, so that we could have a better family life with a nuclear medicine fellowship. Having children has changed my priorities and his, too. I love being here for my kids and I think he loves that too.

On the other hand, my children are very social and active. As soon as I started seeing their needs increasing for greater stimulation than I was able to provide, I entered them into preschool/daycamps. Starting at age 2 or so, each of our kids has enjoyed wonderful half day programs geared toward their developmental needs. They thrive in structured and creative settings and I love hearing of their adventures when they come back home, tired and dirty, with paint under their fingernails. I enjoy having a few hours to myself to work in the house and on numerous other projects---like mortgage shopping, for example. I also think it's wonderful for my kids to experience other types of caregiving and learn to trust (within limits) and care about other adults and kids. I want them to be exposed to ideas and ways of living other than my own, within a safe context, of course. I find that when I have a few hours away from the kids now, I feel so much more positive and destressed when they return.

I think that when all 3 are in school in the coming year or so, I will look for a part time social work job somewhere to do when they are away. While I did okay on my own a lot as a young child....I don't wnat my kids to go through that. I do want to be there when they go to school and when they come home---every day. I also want a fulfilling professional career....but I will have to pursue it in small chunks, I guess.

So....what is the point of all this rambling of mine ???? I have no idea. All I know is that I have got to go to sleep now. I'm terribly sorry this is so incredibly longwinded. If you've actually read this far------thanks.