Marriage on the rocks...

I am trying to figure out how to make this marriage of mine work. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. We got married when he got his business degree and a few years later he decided to do medicine. He is in his second year of medical school. We have a 8 month old baby. I am supportive of him going to med school and understand it is loads of stress. I work part-time and take care of the baby and all the household duties. We have no family here, so I have no help, no "time-off". He thinks I should be at his calling whenever he need anything. He rarely helps me with anything and he thinks because I work part-time that only his time is valuable. We have had endless fights. I feel unappreciated and not understood. He says I don't understand what it takes to be in med school and I need to suck it up. I am just not sure where to go from here. Am I being unreasonable since he is in med school? What exactly does it take to be a supportive wife without being walked on?

[DCJenn]

Hi Rae-

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. To be honest, the first two years of medical school ARE difficult but as you will see the longer you're here, no more difficult and considerably LESS difficult than other parts of training.

My point is this- you are right to insist that you be respected and heard while on this journey. Our collective experience here has demonstrated that often when they are the most panicked and freaked out about their training - i.e. afraid that they're going to fail, it's MUCH easier for them to strike out and blame the spouse and yet want you to support them and console them through this time.

I will tell you that shutting each other out because of anger and frustration isn't going to help. He better learn now when to communicate that he's freaking out stressed because it will get worse and he'll be more tired and more stressed and here's the important part- SO WILL YOU.

You will note that plumbers spouses don't have their very own special place to come and vent about the idiocy of this life.

I will resort to that time honored and yet nearly impossible at times task of just sitting down with him and asking him how you can help but also letting him know that you have support needs, too. (don't do what I did once and recommend that my husband bring in his mother if he wanted to be pampered. Didn't really go over very well but it had it's intended effect.)

You have to wait until you have a calm moment and when he's not feeling defensive.

He may need support but you deserve respect.

Good luck and post often.

Jenn

PS- I also recommend sex. Has a massively calming impact on the male assholian behavior.

[MarissaNicole]

A medical marriage takes sacrifice on both ends.

It sounds like all your work/contribution goes unnoticed/unappreciated. Just because you stay home (part time) doesn't mean you should be responsible for 100% of the parenting and housework.

Being a medical student is difficult, but I think it is more difficult if you don't have a supportive partner. It is unfortunate that your husband doesn't realize all you do/sacrifice so that he can persue his career. Perhaps this stems from his parent's relationship? Some men expect the women to do everything (housework and raise the kids) because it is what their Mom did. It doesn't make it right but you may need to consider it because it may mean that things will not change. The best advice I have for you is to try and communicate (your feelings and to try and find out why he doesn't recognize all you do), and consider counseling. Sometimes counseling can help because it brings in a neutral third party to point out what you both need to work on.

I wish you the best.

[Chrisada]

I went through the same thing the first two years of medical school and also had a newborn. The first two years are the toughest because everyone is adjusting to medical life, which is like no other. Our marriage was very strained. Your DH is under the greatest amount of pressure in his life and you probably feel like you are along just for the ride and that he doesn't care about your feelings.

Talk to him about how you feel when you are both calm and be patient with him, which I know is hard! My husband used to not lift a finger, now three years later, even on surgery, he is putting our oldest son to sleep, washing dishes, and helping with laundry! When he has a day off, leave him with the baby while you do something for you, so that he can see what it takes to raise a child. I promise it will get better! Remember this is new to both of you.

[Pollyanna]

Everyone one has given great advice. Hang in there. and post often.

[ladymoreta]

I am really sorry your marriage is going through this. First, I would like to point out that, while medical school is stressful, and he's probably freaking out because of the looming Step 1, his reaction is not normal or acceptable. Many medical students have families. Most wouldn't win father/mother-of-the-year awards, but they do manage to spend quality time with their wives and children, as well as help with household duties.

Would it be possible for you to get a mentor couple, maybe one with a new attending? I think that your husband could benefit from some advice about how to work in family time, and it would be great for you to have someone in your city who has BTDT.

I agree about having a calm, rational discussion sometime when he's relaxed. During medical school, we set aside one night a week for "us" time - cooked a nice dinner at home, and shared a bottle of wine. Sure, it took time away from studying, but the funny thing about studying is that you get done, no matter how much time you spend. DH's strategy was to arrange a study schedule, where each afternoon/evening, he had a set amount of time and topics to cover. He planned in small breaks once an hour. When he finished, he put the books away. It was much more efficient than trying to spend every second covering as much as possible, because there is only so much their brains can absorb at a time. They feel like they are getting more done by being obsessive, but after a certain point, it's diminishing returns.

Anyway, sorry for the scattered thoughts, but in the end, it takes both of you to make the marriage work, and no amount of effort on your part can make up for his lack of effort. Tell him how much you love him, how proud of him you are, how impressed you are at his dedication and sacrifice he is making for your family. But also that you miss him, and that you need to feel like you are still a team. When you need his help with household chores, be sure to ask him ahead of time so he can plan it in to his study schedule. (Like, if you know that you are having company on Sunday, ask him on Tuesday when would be a good night to help you clean.) And I completely agree with DCJenn - sex really does smooth over a lot of the stress, for both of you. It may be the last thing either of you are in the mood for at first, but it makes a huge difference in how you feel towards each other.

[Sheherezade]

Everyone *has* given great advice. I agree that you are still in the adjustment phase. Even though what Jenn posted about this being the "easy" part is true, the two of you haven't gotten your head in the right place about training yet. Once you do, even the hard parts will seem easier. You need to be a team. You need to realize that you are in for stormy seas until training is over. This isn't your fault, it isn't his fault, it isn't the baby's fault --- it just is what it is. It is like this for EVERYONE. You will get through this eventually - but for now you need to hunker down and plan as a team. Do what you can to make daily life bearable. Plan for mini-breaks way ahead when you can see an opportunity in his schedule. Create family routines that are possible and help you stay connected - like a nightly phone call. Set the bar very, very low for both of you. This will help avoid disappointments and more stress.

Post often! It is extremely helpful to find people that have BTDT. It makes you realize that you are not alone.

[Chrisada]

It is unfortunate that your husband doesn't realize all you do/sacrifice so that he can persue his career. Perhaps this stems from his parent's relationship? Some men expect the women to do everything (housework and raise the kids) because it is what their Mom did. It doesn't make it right but you may need to consider it because it may mean that things will not change.

Exactly! I know of lots of men, including my husband, who grew up being catered to by a woman. So for them, there behavior is normal and has been accepted. It was what they were taught. To them it makes since for the women to take care of the household and the children. It does not make them bad men, but you do need to work with them. Now after lots of talks, my husband completely understands that we are in a partnership when it comes to our household. Do I still expect for him to do most or even 1/2 of the household work? Absolutely not, but he knows that there are a few key elements that he is responsible for and that I will take care of everything else.

[houseelf]

Hi Rae,

Welcome to our humble group.

I agree with all that has been said here. I just have to add that all marriages go through periods of ebb and flow. My marriage has definitely had some serious lows with periods like you have described where I thought, yeah, this is on a crash course. However, we have always managed to get back on course and find some good times too. Just remember that you won't always be in this place.

Kelly

[GrayMatterWife]

1. You are not being unreasonable.

2. It takes mutual respect to make a marriage work during medical school. That means you must respect the fact that he is under a lot of pressure and is doing something that is not particularly fun. He must respect the fact that, when you are married, going to medical school is a joint endeavor. The fact that you are not undertaking the academics does not mean that you "have it easy" and it certainly does not entitle him to treat you like a maid/cook/butler/handmaiden/nanny. Supporting him through medical school means doing the things necessary and desirable to make him a success...and being a crappy husband but graduating at the top of his class is not a success. That's a really pathetic failure, actually. I would start with small steps: each of you find a small way to accomodate the other person. Once you can do that, you can build to bigger things.

I am so sorry that you're in this dark place. Post often. Many, many of us have been there.

Thank you guys so much for your advice. I will attempt to talk to him again (when we are calm) about validating me and what I do. Because he is so busy, he tells me I don't do anything all week (even though the babies fed, the house is clean, the bills are paid....) He just looks at me like I am a joke. Not really sure how to get through that. Yes, his mom did EVERYTHING for his family. When he has watch the baby while I work, I come home to a disaster, but he says that this is his relax time and this is what I do everyday. UGGGGGG... And he would never watch the baby for me to have "time off" because I stay at home all week and only work the weekend (which are 12 hour shifts and I still get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby on those days). Thanks for letting me vent. He doesn't want me to talk to anyone about our problem because it is "personal", but I need an outlet- so thanks guys!!!!!

[Pollyanna]

He doesn't want me to talk to anyone about our problem because it is "personal", but I need an outlet- so thanks guys!!!!!

That's code for, "I don't want to change anything I'm doing so don't talk to anyone that may point out that I'm being a complete ass".

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Thank you guys so much for your advice. I will attempt to talk to him again (when we are calm) about validating me and what I do. Because he is so busy, he tells me I don't do anything all week (even though the babies fed, the house is clean, the bills are paid....) He just looks at me like I am a joke. Not really sure how to get through that. Yes, his mom did EVERYTHING for his family. When he has watch the baby while I work, I come home to a disaster, but he says that this is his relax time and this is what I do everyday. UGGGGGG... And he would never watch the baby for me to have "time off" because I stay at home all week and only work the weekend (which are 12 hour shifts and I still get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby on those days). Thanks for letting me vent. He doesn't want me to talk to anyone about our problem because it is "personal", but I need an outlet- so thanks guys!!!!!

This makes me so mad when men, in any profession, act like this. You MADE the baby so it's your responsibility too. What if he had a different profession, would he still not help? Lots of med students don't get that other professions work hard too (lawyers, bankers, etc.) and yet are expected to help around the home. No one gets a free pass in my book. As the stay at home person, you should of course do more around the house but if you worked full time, would you get to come home and say you were "off". Of course not because nothing would get done. "Off" doesn't exist as it relates to housework or children. Everyone really needs to get over that.

[poky]

That's code for, "I don't want to change anything I'm doing so don't talk to anyone that may point out that I'm being a complete ass".

Exactly. That is classic controlling behavior, too. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I hope he can be brought around to realize that he doesn't get a servant just because he's married and in school.

WTF is it about med school that does this? Do law students go home and say "I'm studying LAW; I can't *possibly* be expected to do *dishes*"?

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

WTF is it about med school that does this? Do law students go home and say "I'm studying LAW; I can't *possibly* be expected to do *dishes*"?

My point exactly. Do soldiers come home and say, "I've been defending our country, I can't do dishes?". I mean if the President of the US can make time for family night, why can't a medical student or resident. INSANE the amount of hogwash that gets beat into them about medicine being so special.