For all you surgeon spouses out there

[MissCrabette]

The other day DH was chatting with a newly married surgery resident who had just returned from his honeymoon. The resident had just asked DH if he was married and was inquiring about his future career path. DH's response was that he had only done 3 rotations so far, but that he could really see himself doing internal medicine or surgery, just not psych. The resident's response?

"You must not like your wife very much."



P.S.: And it figures I had to misspell surgeon right in the title. Can someone fix that for me, please?

[moonlight]

Don’t you just love the ‘tude of some residents?? DH sometimes tells me about these convos and all it does is piss me off!

How many more weeks of surgery does he have? I feel for ya. That rotation pushed both DH and I to the edge of sanity.

[MissCrabette]

Eight more weeks and the worst part is yet to come. Four weeks in the ICU. Yikes!

The hours are killing ME, so I can't imagine how he's coping. Hats off to those of you who do this for years.

[Vanquisher]

"You must not like your wife very much."

Wish someone had said that to my husband. Not that he would have listened. Live and learn.

[GrayMatterWife]

"You must not like your wife very much."

Jerk. I know everyone's experience is different, but I know a lot more miserable non-surg wives than I do miserable surg wives. Maybe surg wives just have much lower expectations, so they are more easily pleased (?)...just kidding.

All of the married NSGs I know in DH's program have been married forever and are happily married. Of course, the single guys are VERY happily single... hahaha!

[MissCrabette]

I'm usually very sensitive to people's comments, but I took this as an acknowledgment that it's a difficult lifestyle. I'm sure experiences vary and it's all highly dependent upon people's personalities and expectations, but I don't think it can be denied that surgery is not an easy specialty.

What I thought was even funnier than the comment itself is that the person making it had JUST gotten married. My DH wanted to comment on that, but decided it would be a bad idea. Whew, I'm glad he kept his trap shut.

[weeniegeniewife]

What I thought was even funnier than the comment itself is that the person making it had JUST gotten married. My DH wanted to comment on that, but decided it would be a bad idea. Whew, I'm glad he kept his trap shut.

This was my first thought while reading your post! I'm just snarky enough that I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut.

Yes, the surgical lifestyle is tough, but it's not awful. I know I bitch about Patrick's pager all the time, but honestly, he's doing what he loves. He loves, loves, LOVES being in the OR....hates clinic. DH operates 4, sometimes 5 days a week, and oftentimes on the weekends. I couldn't see him doing anything else, because this makes him so happy. I just adjust my attitude about some of the annoyances that come along with this lifestyle as best I can.

[weeniegeniewife]

Oh, and in my opinion, the excitement of this lifestyle far outweighs the difficulty of it. What I mean by that is, there's never a dull moment for DH. And he comes home with some GREAT stories!

[migirl]

He loves, loves, LOVES being in the OR....hates clinic.

This is my DH too. He used to wish that he could find a way to be in the OR without having to interact with patients in clinic.

Since he's been doing this research fellowship the past couple of years he's had very limited time in the OR, maybe two or three times a month. Last week he happened to be covering an OR day for one of the attendings and he said he kept thinking to himself, "I forgot how much fun this is!"

[weeniegeniewife]

And Jane, urologists are just really cool dudes, aren't they! DH said part of the reason why he went into this surgical subspecialty is because of the personalities...down-to-earth, silly guys. He fits right in!

[Ladybug]

Surgery is an objectively longer road, both in years and days. You spend all day in the OR, and then you get to the floor issues: rounding, putting out fires, talking to families that have been waiting on you all day, etc. Medicine folk are usually able to take care of floor issue throughout the day and therefore get out of the hospital earlier than surgery. General surgery is a minimum of five years, plus research and fellowships if you decide to pursue these extras. The high end of the spectrum seems to be 9-10 years total. Obviously you will most likely have more debt when you finish a longer road, and this can have far-reaching consequences, both financially and emotionally, on your family planning and spouse's careers.

Subjectively, surgery attracts a certain personality type (ummm, how can I put this politely?) that can make training more emotionally stressful for both the resident and spouse. This is not to invalidate other people's nonsurgical experiences, and it's a generalized subjective observation. I've noticed it's especially difficult for "nice" people. It's almost like they try to beat it out of them. It's hardest during the first few years, but they learn to take it in stride and to not internalize other people's issues. This took time to achieve. Maybe some people manage it more gracefully.

All that said, you're either a surgeon or you're not. There's not much of a grey area. Surgeon's hate clinic days. Hate them. Some people (like students) are more tactile, like to do things, like to fix, like shiny tools, etc. It's in their blood. Some fields are pure surgery, and some fields seem to successfully blend aspects of medicine and surgery (gyn-onc comes to mind). Surgery doesn't have the continuity of care and relationships that you find in medicine, but I think even in medicine this is diminishing as health care becomes more specialized.

Regarding the actual comment, most people just don't know the right thing to say. I think they usually have good intentions, so I'd just shrug and smile. That reaction seems to cause the least amount of collateral damage. Something about the social isolation that medicine breeds produces an awkward group of people.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: For all you surgeon spouses out there

Well. I think the attending experience is better and has more glamour than the surgery lifestyle during training. 5-9 YEARS of illegal Q2 or Q3 inhouse call is probably what makes it such a difficult specialty.

Once you finish training there are a variety of jobs available to match family needs and of course the money is better.

Don't forget though that you have to Wade through a malignant residency before the lifestyle is more manageable.

Kris


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[SuzySunshine]

All that said, you're either a surgeon or you're not.

That! DH would be miserable doing anything else, it is what it is and I love him anyway.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

That! DH would be miserable doing anything else, it is what it is and I love him anyway.

Amen!

[spotty_dog]

That! DH would be miserable doing anything else, it is what it is and I love him anyway.

See, I always figured this was a *good* reason to try to discourage an MS-3 from considering a surgical specialty. If they will be dissuaded by one resident basically saying, "You will see your family much less by doing IM or surg than by doing psych!" then maybe they were never cut out to be a surgeon in the first place?