Nervous New Member

Hello Everyone!

I am a new member and I cant wait to get involved with other women/men like myself who are seeing their loved one through med school/residency. I have a very special relationship with a man that I am head over heels for. I know that everyones case is special/different, but I'm in a relationship with someone who is still an undergrad! I am a 29 year old grad student studying Italian. My significant other is a (VERY mature!!!) 22 year old undergrad getting his degree in bio chemistry and psychology. We started dating a little less than a year ago. While our relationship is fabulous (we are each others match in every aspect-raising kids, politics, etc), I am very worried about what the future may hold. I am 29 and he is 22. I'm not sure if he's ready to make a decision about us that is so serious. The decision being "does he take me with him to med school across the country or does he pursue this on his own"? We live in Michigan right now and he is applying to schools out of state as far as Hawaii (which he just got an interview to!). His dream is to go to med school in California. I am so proud of him, but I am scared for what this will do to our future. He wrote an email to my best friend one time a month or two ago. In his email, he basically said "I love Nancy, but I'm not sure what to do about the med school thing. Do I start this process alone, leaving everything that I had in my past in the past or do I bring the best part of my past with me into my future?" Keep in mind we've only been dating for a year-ish. I have been in other relationships before and I can tell you that I've never felt this way about anyone. Trust me, I'm a very level-headed 29 year old....it freaks me out sometimes that I'm dating a 22 year old! haha Anyways, if any of you could give me some advice or ease my worried thoughts about this, I'd be really grateful. Thank you so much! Have a great day!!!

-Nancy

[peggyfromwastate]

First of all, I don't think the age difference is that huge. Just my opinion-- if it were a reverse (and your SO was a girl, you were the man) society would say "meh" collectively. I'm only 14 months older than my dh, but still.

Second, med school and residency is brutal. We have lots of long distance relationship ppl here who have made it work. I don't know how- but they did it!

Third, the only thing that I think is off is the question your SO posed to your friend about leaving the past all in the past. I guess I don't really get it. An all or nothing approach to life... Is a tad immature.

So anyway, I guess I would just see where it progresses naturally. If he's applying now you have plenty of time to hash out details between now and when he actually commits to a program.

[diggitydot]

Welcome to the group. We get it.

Third, the only thing that I think is off is the question your SO posed to your friend about leaving the past all in the past. I guess I don't really get it.

Ditto. A little odd. But it depends where you are in your relationship. If you guys are seriously talking marriage/kids/picket fence, then this is an odd way to describe you and the dynamic you two have. If you're not quite "there" yet, dude's question makes more sense. Also, dude needs to be taking to the person he's in the relationship with, not her BFF.

[Thirteen]

Welcome to the boards!


And, here we go:
Have you talked about what would happen if he gets accepted out-of-state? Why California? Is there a school/program that he's idolizing, or is he infatuated with the idea of living in CA?
(My husband is originally from CA, and I lived there for 7 years, so we are both very familiar with the medical lifestyle in that state). Are you willing to relocate as well/cohabitate/etc? These are very probing questions, but it's important to get it all out there before this process gets going. It's hard enough to communicate when "the plan" is clear, especially during medical school and residency. In the end, only you know your relationship and what you are/are not willing to do and compromise for.

[SoonerTexan]

Welcome!

The only thing I have to add is to encourage him to take a very hard look at the cost of in-state and out-of-state programs if he ends up having both options. It might make the decision for him. As one half of a couple who worried VERY much about the "perfect fit" for schools, I've come to the conclusion that med school is pretty much med school (with some exceptions of course) and the best thing you can do is go to the best one you get into that costs the least amount of money!

[diggitydot]

I know it's easier said than done, but worrying about where he'll end up for med school when he hasn't even gone on an interview yet is a whole lot of cart before the horse. But it's definitely appropriate for you both to know where you stand in the relationship as things progress.

I can't wrap my head around him wanting to live in CA. Don't get me wrong, I'm a west coast gal, but you couldn't pay me enough to live in CA. Cost of living is ridiculous, especially for the med school years when he'll have zero income.

[corn poffi]

Welcome! I agree with DD. While it's important for you to determine where the relationship is going, it's not worth worrying about California unless California becomes a reality.

[peggyfromwastate]

My dh made a spreadsheet of med schools and crossed off the schools that didn't accept out of state applicants. Or at least those that only accepted 2% or less out of staters. That crossed off Hawaii and Cali schools right there.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Welcome!

We did the long-distance thing for a year. Then we did this awful thing where I commuted every two weeks back to Boston from Cleveland for 2 years. Now I'm working remotely from Cleveland but returning to the Boston office at least monthly. It sucks but it's necessary for us.

I will say that my husband (was a BF at the time) applied to schools independently (aka as if I didn't exist). We did this on purpose because 1) med school is hard to get into, don't limit yourself to any one area! and 2) if something did happen, we didn't want him to have messed up his future based on me. I was realistic about this (even though I knew at the time that I was going to marry him...). When he was accepted, that's when we discussed what our plan should be. No use panicking about what might happen until you know where he's going. We made the long distance thing work and others can too. Best to see where he gets in though...the whole career is one giant crapshoot so definitely he should not limit his applications/interviews/etc based on his situation in September.

You have a few more months to consider it as well. A lot can change in 6 months and how you do during the stress of applications and interviewing will tell you a lot about each other. Make decisions after that.

Thank you to everyone who has posted! I really appreciate your insight as I am new to this whole idea of med school, etc. To inform those that asked, getting into a California school has always been his dream. We live in Michigan and he has expressed several times that he does not want to live here for the rest of his life. So with that being said, I'm just a little worried that I might not fit into his "plan" and therefore I will have spent almost two years (by that time) in a relationship that will have ended up going nowhere. I am completely in love with him and I know he has expressed to me that I am exactly the kind of girl he envisioned marrying, but I'm not sure that he's ready for that kind of commitment just yet, especially with the stress of med school/residency. I am just hoping to get your views on what you think I should do (as the person representing the other half of the relationship). So thank you so much for helping me out and sharing your ideas/advice! I appreciate it!!

[peggyfromwastate]

My dh had big dreams at that age too. And he was pretty sure that if he wished on a star, his dream would come true. U know what I mean. I'm not trying to be too much of a cynic, but if you have patience to wait it out, I'd just support him and be there when reality crashes down on him. Even if he gets into his dream school, there will be a day when he sees that there is good and bad in every situation...

My guess is as he moves along in the process of looking at schools his choices will be narrowed for him based on residency, cost, test scores... And just where he actually gets accepted.

[v-girl]

Welcome! No advice to offer. I walked down the aisle at 22. LOL

[corn poffi]

Medicine is a dream crusher. It's nice that he has dreams and all but reality checks are common (and harsh) in the world of medicine.

[diggitydot]

I'm not far from MI (seriously, like a mile), and with our winters, I totally get the California dreamin'. Particularly if he's never spent much time there. Weather in CA is FAR less harsh than MI, but that doesn't make up for all of CA's other shortcomings.

First things, first. Y'all need to get on the same page with where you stand regarding the relationship, no matter where that may be. There's nothing wrong with not being on the marriage track if you guys just aren't there yet. But it's fairest to you both to be honest with wants and expectations.

[Chrisada]

Also live in Michigan and DH went to U of M for med. school. I would hope this would be high on his list. It's usually ranked in the top 10 and they are VERY good to their in-state residents. Ann Arbor is very different from the rest of MI and alot of people do leave MI for residency. Yeah, winters suck ass here, but when would they even be outside?