I don't know what to do!

[AmeliePoulain]

My DH is having a hard time and I feel he wants to quit. He is 1st year IM. Is this normal? I don't know if I should just say ok quit. It is probably not the right thing but sometimes I am so close to saying just quit, we will figure out what to do later. Today he is working 6am-9pm or later. Sometimes this ends up being 10:30pm. He just texted saying "I swear to God I can't tolerate this anymore" when I texted asking how it's going. He won't eat breakfast or drink water because he says he has no time to go to the bathroom. The other day he just held it for hours and I felt so terrible saying who cares if you are late to meet the team, just go. He said he was already running behind and they were all waiting. Sometimes he gets elderly patients that don't know what they are taking or why they are there and their kids don't care to know either and the ones that do know don't answer the phone so he ends up having to make all these calls and wasting time. There are other things that put him behind like for example he can't talk to the nurses because they are updating each other between shifts.

[v-girl]

DH had a couple of "I should just quit and stick with research" times. I informed him that not only had he worked hard to get where he was, but I busted my ass to provide shelter, food, transportation, etc., for him and our children during 9 years of med/grad school and there was no way he wasn't going to finish.

Encourage him, support him, threaten to kick his ass if he tries to quit. There's my tough love. And I used a bad word in a post. Twice.

[Thirteen]

Sounds like typical PGY-1. I'm sorry he's having such a tough time! Tell him to not make any rash decisions, and give it a full year. This is a very very common feeling with residency...

[oceanchild]

Is it normal to want to quit during the first year of residency? Yes. (Sorry.)

He's an IMG, right? It's probably even harder knowing that it he were somewhere else he'd already be an attending and not putting up with this crap.

My best advice is to make good use of time off. Spend time together. Go away for a day. Remind him that this is not the only thing in his life.

[AmeliePoulain]

Thanks... sometimes I just want to cry. He only gets ONE day off every 2 weeks... that will be in 7 days :/... oceanchild, he had finished Oncology residency right before moving to the US because he was trying to save money for the move otherwise he would have done it here.

[corn poffi]

100% normal. If my PGY1 BF ever came home and said "I love being an intern it's so much fun!", I'd know he was drunk. He always says he wants to quit, but when it comes down to it, he knows he doesn't.

[oceanchild]

he had finished Oncology residency right before moving to the US because he was trying to save money for the move otherwise he would have done it here.

I guess that's a little better. DH has worked with people who were attendings in their home country for years before doing a US residency. Yuck.

The other thing I really cling to is that residency changes every month (mostly). So whatever horrible pattern we're in one month, it'll change once that month is over. And sometimes it even gets better for a month.

[alison]

This sounds pretty normal for the first year, I'm afraid. It's an adjustment period for everyone. It'll get worse before it gets better, but don't throw in the towel yet. You've worked too hard for this. Baby steps.

[AmeliePoulain]

I guess that's a little better. DH has worked with people who were attendings in their home country for years before doing a US residency. Yuck.

The other thing I really cling to is that residency changes every month (mostly). So whatever horrible pattern we're in one month, it'll change once that month is over. And sometimes it even gets better for a month.

I completely get what you mean... they feel like they already know it all or maybe more than the other residents. Where here he is from they don't do IM first... he went straight to Oncology residency after med school and visited MD Anderson in 2007 for observership in lymphoma I think, while in residency and knew he wanted to come back. He is a minority in his country so the US is a better fit as far as lifestyle.

[MissCrabette]

Everyone else said most of what I wanted to say, so I'll second their thoughts: tell him not to rush into a decision. He should give it at least a year if he can. Things also change from block to block, so he may have something easier coming up to make up for the last few months.

Does he not have a med student who can make some of these calls for him? I know they're there to learn, but they should also be able to do some of the more boring tasks so that the resident actually has time to teach them something.

[SoonerTexan]

There was another poster last year (I knew we from another board) whose husband was having an AWFUL time adjusting and she was really worried about him. Now he is doing fine...and they are expecting twins!

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

DH has been struggling with adjusting too...and he has said the same thing during some rotations. This rotation (even though the hours are longer) has been slightly better. Remind him that this is short-term, a new rotation will start in a couple weeks and things WILL get better. Remember -- this too shall pass. This year is going to suck, but in the grand scheme of things, it'll just be a blip.

He'll be okay, just support him and let him know that you're there for him no matter what -- but that he's worked so hard to give up for such a temporary issue (even though there will be challenges at all phases -- I think the adjusting is probably the worst).

[MissCrabette]

I guess I must be a guy in a girl's body because I've been thinking about this, trying to come up with solutions. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business because this is totally not the case here. It might be a really malignant program for all I know, in which case there are no solutions, just hugs and support for your DH.

You said he goes in at 6 AM. I know he already has really long hours, and this is just a thought brought up by the fact that you said he always feels like he's running behind and trying to catch up. Could he try going in slightly earlier? My DH started by going in at 5 AM (he now goes in at 5:30 or 5:45) so he could read up on what happened to his patients overnight or read about the new admits before hand-off happens at 7 AM. That might solve part of the "running behind" problem. He could also duck out to go to the bathroom while other people present their patients during rounds or, better yet, when they go in with the attending to see the patient because the whole herd doesn't go in. That's also when he could catch up on patient notes if he has a COW (computer on wheels) with him. Again, I apologize if I was out of line with these ideas.

I know it's hard, it really is. And it sucks that all you can do for him is listen and encourage him.

[corn poffi]

I totally agree with the going in early. Once my BF started doing that, he started feeling less rushed in the mornings.

[AmeliePoulain]

Thank you everyone, your posts have really helped. He got home and he didn't look as devastated as I expected, it seems things got better as the day went on.

Vgirl you are tougher than I lol, I'm more likely to say "well if that's what you really want..." I can't be tough I just baby him more. MissCrabette the med students are actually doing things just as the 1st years. I think what makes it worse this month is that the 2nd year resident he's working with does nothing, just orders him around. He has a long list to do and that guy calls out more commands while he sits there, then he leaves to go home at the time they would normally leave and my DH stays to finish by himself. The 2nd year was off a few times, and on those days, DH got to work with another 2nd year and it was great. They actually worked together, she told him he was doing an amazing job and that she was glad to find out she would be working with him again because he does a great job and she was terrible her 1st year and would cry when she got home. He finally felt he was not as terrible as he thought and they were even getting done on time. The other guy doesn't give him feedback nor does he discuss cases with him... but in front of the attending he takes center stage and knows everything about the case, but wouldn't discuss it before

Soonertexan, when I read your first sentence I was sure you were going to say he ended up quitting! That is great for them though, and it gives me hope... and about babies too