Any advice?

[MrsSz]

A-yup. My dude is pretty introverted and he's incredibly involved and engaged in the family. Being an introvert is not a valid excuse for shutting out your spouse and children.

Preach.

[diggitydot]

DiggyDot,
You have really hit it on the head. He has dealt with a lot of failure and I recently asked him if he was self-sabatoging and he agreed that he thinks he may be. He said he feels like he is finally at the end of this road and his dreams are coming true and he is afraid that he might not be able to rise to the occassion. He has had some depression issues through residency and is taking an anti-depressant.

You might be surprised how common this is during the training to post-training transition.

You both need counseling to get through this bump -- likely joint AND individual. I realize that with kids, work, various activities, etc. it's going to be tough to squeeze out the time necessary to get it accomplished. That's OK. Just get it done. If, after all the counseling and meds and he still wants out, so be it. You can at least have the peace of mind that you both gave it the ol' college try.

[birdhouse]

Thanks Michele. I can only share certain aspects of the affairs because I am not in the private boards yet, but I will share as much as I can. My affair has not been physical, but was sexting. His affair was not even to that extent. I know because I hacked into his text messages, e-mails, etc. The woman that he was "seeing" and I use that term loosely was using him for perscriptions. He was trying to impress her by giving her small sums of money (she is indigent and has Lupus), and inviting her out to eat, etc. The part that baffles me is that the woman is not remotely interested in him. She sent the money back or didn't accept it several times, she declined almost EVERY invitation to go out or for him to pay for her to take her kids to events. He even tried to be flirty with her and she told him it was inappropriate. The last correspondance I read (a week ago) literally said, "I could never be with you. It wouldn't be right. I do not feel the same way about you." She has told him several times to make things right with his wife.

You also have to understand that my husband is not the type that would even entertain other women before so he is really embarrassed and says that he feels disappointed in himself, but that we were obviously both disconnected to entertain others. The truth is that I have always been the one that cheated (emotionally) and had other men around. I believe that all of this goes to weaken his self-esteem that was already low. The woman that he thinks he wants and would possibly give up his family for is not even interested in him...So confusing to me...

[diggitydot]

Holy balls. That red flags flying from him trying to date a patient are astounding. Seriously. That alarms me more than either of your infidelities.

An affair is an affair, whether emotional, via text/social media, or bumping naughty bits. As dissimilar as they sound, they are all on equal footing. If you two are willing to try to heal and move on from them, I wish you well. It isn't easy to regain broken trust. And you guys can't even begin the work to regain trust in each other until you BOTH know what you want.

If he's still trying to have an inappropriate relationship WITH A PATIENT, I think there may be bigger fish to fry first. A patient who isn't returning those attentions, to boot.

[birdhouse]

I am also seeing my own therapist and psychiatrist to get me through this. He isn't seeing anyone for therapy, but has been self-prescribing (through a colleague) himself psychotropics.

[birdhouse]

You are too intuitive, DiggyDot! He feels really guilty about all of it and it is certainly not his nature to do something like this. She actually isn't "his" patient, but it still doesn't make his actions right...We both have to grow up and get past the past. It is harder for me because it is so out of his character and I have always been called a "trophy" wife because without tooting my own horn, I am much more attractive than he is. I know I am having a harder time getting past it because of me ego...

[Michele]

He isn't seeing anyone for therapy, but has been self-prescribing (through a colleague) himself psychotropics.

Those are problems. Ones that need to be remedied quickly.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Holy balls. That red flags flying from him trying to date a patient are astounding. Seriously. That alarms me more than either of your infidelities.

An affair is an affair, whether emotional, via text/social media, or bumping naughty bits. As dissimilar as they sound, they are all on equal footing. If you two are willing to try to heal and move on from them, I wish you well. It isn't easy to regain broken trust. And you guys can't even begin the work to regain trust in each other until you BOTH know what you want.

If he's still trying to have an inappropriate relationship WITH A PATIENT, I think there may be bigger fish to fry first. A patient who isn't returning those attentions, to boot.

This. Major, big fat no-no. http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/...or-sex-252502/. I know you said your DH didn't go this far, but this guy lost his license, house, wife, and is now in prison...

The discrepancy in power between dr and pt is huge, and the courts realize this. Best of luck to you guys.

[birdhouse]

LilySayWhat,
The sexting involved some photos that I received, but I did not send any. It was more talking dirty than anything. His emotional relationship was just texting conversation that was all very mild. More of a friendship than anything. It is clear to me that she only really contacted him when she needed something and he was dumb enough to fall for it because she is young and showed some interest in him (though manipulative). The most she said to him is "I am kind of sweet on you." He knows that I saw all the texts and retrieved the deleted texts so there really isn't anything he can hide. They barely ever even saw or talked on the phone to each other.

[birdhouse]

Thanks GreyHoundsRUs. I know the potential implications if this had gone further and I told my Dad about it (who is a lawyer) and he was freaking out. If we did end up in court, I do have a very strong case! Thanks for all the support guys!

[birdhouse]

Update

After all this bullshit he said yesterday. He just called me (still in FL) headed home tonight and acted like nothing had happened. Called me baby. Discussed the schools in the 2 areas that he interviewed and a plan for how we should be raising our kids in those different districts. All I could think was WTF is wrong with you dude? I have spent a whole weekend crying and you are acting like nothing ever happened and things are going to be fine. I will keep you guys posted on progress over the next couple days and thanks so much for all your advise. This man is honestly crazy!! I am off to see my own psychiatrist for some meds to help me cope!!!

[birdhouse]

and I have the woman's phone number and address...

[diggitydot]

and I have the woman's phone number and address...

Throw it away. Nothing good will come from keeping that information. Do. Not. Contact. She is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

[HouseofWool]

While his waffling is emotionally devastating to you, I really think you need to work really hard on getting your emotional house in order post-haste. The fact that infidelity is an ongoing issue for you is troublesome and I can't even imagine how hard it is for him. I know you are seeing professionals, but that absolutely needs to be a prime focus in your individual therapy so that it doesn't happen again.

As for his actions, they too are wildly out of line and smack of someone dealing with depressive issues (to me). The fact that he is essentially self medicating is scary to me. Very, very scary. There is a reason why there are rules against it. I also understand that he may not want it to show up on his insurance health history, but if that is the case then he can pay for the visits and meds out of pocket. It seems as if there is enough money available to pay for those things at the self pay rates, even if it is costly. If he claims that there is no time to do therapy, find someone who will teleconference on the West Coast so it is normal business hours for them, but after hours for you. There are absolutely ways to get it done if he wants to.

[Momo]

Remember no matter what happens you will need/want him to be able to earn a physcian's income!!!