The medical marriage/relationship: what works

[spaz]

Even when things are difficult, we challenge yet encourage each other. We keep growing and I know that he is my biggest supporter and I am his. Medicine has brought out some not so nice sides of ourselves but these are facets of ourselves that we'd never show other people, which is good in a sucky way since we trust each other. I've learned patience and kindness the likes I never thought I could possess and which I never thought I'd receive. It's a good thing I'm freakishly independent because I can't imagine what life would be like as the clingy partner of someone whose job affects so many aspects of life.

I'm trying to figure out how to do this and not offend. If I read your other post correctly, he is your boyfriend and you guys have a long distance relationship?? You talk about being freakishly independent. I WAS you at your stage. We dated 2 1/2 years long distance while he was in med school. I had tons of my own friends and activities. In residency I worked full time with tons of friends and outside activities... I just could not understand all of those other clingy partners of residents. Good grief, I thought, get your own life. If you want to get out, then get out. Don't wait for him. I was so judgmental of those clingy people.

Then he started practice and had kids. It was harder to be freakishly independent. But I managed thanks to Mother's Day Out and MOPS. I am still VERY independent or was until the hormones of perimenopause hit.. Plus, taking care of elderly relatives and suddenly I am tired of being freakishly independent. I've held our entire lives together. I am the stable rock that gets everything done... And now I feel so needy and clingy and I HATE HATE HATE that. I still try to hide that...

I'm not condemning your post... just telling you a cautionary tale that it isn't always good to be freakishly independent.

[Curegirl]

The clingy comment wasn't directed at you but someone I know IRL who literally can't do anything without calling her husband multiple times a day and pouting when he can't respond. My SO and I both grew up alone so we're used to entertaining ourselves. We both need a lot of space being introverts while understanding each others' needs. When I said freakishly independent, I meant doing my own thing but with his input and support. Honestly, I am a little offended in that I don't think you can claim that you were me at any stage though because we really don't know about each other and our lives. Obviously, you and I are in different stages in our relationships and I don't have children and I respect anyone who is willing to put in the hard work that goes into any relationship, whether it be a marriage or a platonic friendship but your post seemed like you're talking down to me a bit and I don't appreciate that.

[spaz]

The clingy comment wasn't directed at you but someone I know IRL who literally can't do anything without calling her husband multiple times a day and pouting when he can't respond. My SO and I both grew up alone so we're used to entertaining ourselves. We both need a lot of space being introverts while understanding each others' needs. When I said freakishly independent, I meant doing my own thing but with his input and support. Honestly, I am a little offended in that I don't think you can claim that you were me at any stage though because we really don't know about each other and our lives. Obviously, you and I are in different stages in our relationships and I don't have children and I respect anyone who is willing to put in the hard work that goes into any relationship, whether it be a marriage or a platonic friendship but your post seemed like you're talking down to me a bit and I don't appreciate that.

Sorry didn't mean to offend and by freakishly independent Yes,I meant doing our own thing with his input and support. No, I don't know you but even that sentence sounds like exactly the way I felt at your age. That is the way we were. No, I don't mean to talk down. Sorry if I offended. I was wishing I could talk to that girl that I used to be. Does that make sense?

[diggitydot]

I totally get the freakishly independent thing. Even after being married a dozen years and having three kids, I'm still super independent. While I absolutely enjoy having DH around, I'm also just fine when he isn't around. That aspect doesn't always change as a relationship progresses.

We're both introverts, which probably has something to do with why it works for us.

[Ladybug]

Ladybug's secret sauce:

Don't actually put their pager in the microwave, only graphically imagine it.

Pretend you belong to a convent during surgery rotations. Write a letter to mother Teresa if it makes you feel more connected. She's dead and probably more reachable than your spouse right now.

Write your spouse's names on your palm with a sharpie when you start to forget it.

When you're feeling down look at yourself in the bathroom mirror and repeat, "I'm so lucky I'm married to doctor." Repeat until a child catches you performing this awkward ritual.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Ladybug's secret sauce:

Don't actually put their pager in the microwave, only graphically imagine it.

Pretend you belong to a convent during surgery rotations. Write a letter to mother Teresa if it makes you feel more connected. She's dead and probably more reachable than your spouse right now.

Write your spouse's names on your palm with a sharpie when you start to forget it.

When you're feeling down look at yourself in the bathroom mirror and repeat, "I'm so lucky I'm married to doctor." Repeat until a child catches you performing this awkward ritual.

I especially like #2!

[MrsC]

I especially like #2!

Me too. I would add ICU rotations to that!

Two things for us that don't only apply to a medical marriage but I think we have to deal with more.

Always looking forward. This is not easy to do but I try not to dwell on the hard times we've had in the past because of this career path. This has become more difficult as we near the end of training but it's something I'm more aware of now.

Survival mode. Someone here mentioned this (sorry I can't remember who) pertaining to the first few weeks with a newborn. I realized that this is what I've been doing during especially difficult rotations when DH is not around much. I lower my expectations for that month for everything; from his ability to help out to how many home cooked meals I can manage. I do what really needs to be done and anything extra is a bonus. I'm sure most of us do this naturally but I find that giving it a label like "survival mode" helps me to deal with disappointment.

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[BonBon]

Besides the fact that we're well-matched in every way, I think one of the biggest keys to our success is compromise. We can gauge pretty well when something is more important to the other so we don't dig in our heels, we give it up. Even for small silly things. It doesn't always work, so sometimes we have to lay our argument out with all the pros/cons, but we ultimately reach a satisfactory decision.

It's still pretty hard with all the hours he works, but what are you going to do. It's better now that the kids are older and more self-sufficient. I've learned to bitch less about it because he can't change it. I bitch to you all instead. I think it helps a great deal to be an introvert with this lifestyle!

[metroguy]

i don't know if my marriage will work.. i have to say, having kids really adds to stress of already stressful situation. i don't recommend of it. of course the kids are my life. can't live without them--so it's damn if i do, and damn if i don't. and yeah, it's best to 'try' to be understanding of the other's person's life/stresses. sadly, i cannot say i always understands..

[wiva]

Having been a single parent for almost 9 years has really prepared me for being married to a resident

[diggitydot]

Having been a single parent for almost 9 years has really prepared me for being married to a resident

Same here (4 1/2 years). It's amazing how well it prepares you.

[ladymoreta]

I know I'm really late catching up on this thread, but I loved reading through your responses.

Our "secret" really isn't helpful to most people. I think it was a lot of luck. We married very young and grew together instead of apart. We had lots of other friends marry young, too, and their marriages didn't last. DH is still the best choice for me out of all the men I've met.

Also, date nights and travel really solidify our relationship. A quick overnight trip somewhere new has brought us back from "distant" on several occasions.

[LadyFoot]

I've loved reading through all of these. Thanks everyone for sharing your wisdom (and your struggles)!

Our "secret" really isn't helpful to most people. I think it was a lot of luck. We married very young and grew together instead of apart. We had lots of other friends marry young, too, and their marriages didn't last. DH is still the best choice for me out of all the men I've met.

Also, date nights and travel really solidify our relationship. A quick overnight trip somewhere new has brought us back from "distant" on several occasions.

I love this, and while luck may play a part, lots of those things you mention take effort!

One of the best decisions DH and I made was to get married while he was still in school and to plan ahead. We married in the middle of his second year and planned from before the time we were engaged that I would travel with him for any away rotations. We started saving money early so we could afford for me not to work 4th year (when podiatry students have to travel for almost all of their rotations). Now we're over half way through 4th year, and that was absolutely the best choice we could have made, especially since "quality" time is both of our love language. Our time together isn't always of the highest "quality", but at least it's there. I can read next to him at the table while he's studying; if he gets back in the middle of the night, we can chat while he's changing his clothes before he falls into bed; if he has to get up and get ready at 4 am, I can get up too and chat with him while he has breakfast (and then I go back to sleep!).

I know residency will be more intense than rotations as a student, but I feel like if we could make it strong through this year, residency is definitely doable. It will really help to live somewhere for a longer period of time and be able to get connected at a church/in a community so we'll have an external support system as well.