Husband Looking to Start Med School Wife Needs Help!

Where do i start? My husband and I are 28 we have a 5yr old girl and and a 21 month old girl and looking at starting medical school, or husband is. We are very involved with our kids and my husband wants to be involved as much as possible. He went back to finish undergrad after our first girl was born and went for his MBA after our second girl was born. During that time our daughter was born with a PFO and a VSD, heart condition that at 10 months required open heart surgery. It changed both of us but he says it led him to medicine. He is a son of a psychiatrist grandson of a surgeon.
I am terrified and did not want this for our lives however I consider myself a supportive wife and will do it with him. Please take no insult I love Drs and their families we depended on them to get us through a difficult year with our baby! We are extremely grateful to them and their staff. He will need to do a post bac program first and then medical school, he is interested in rad after shadowing a surgeon realizing that the lifestyle wasn't him.
What are we in for what does this mean for our family time and our time? And maybe I'm nuts but the thought of him examining a woman totally freaks me out! Can anyone help me I know I have issues.

[DCJenn]

Read, read, read. and then have him read the posts here.

Welcome! Don't panic yet, but DO educate yourself and your husband.

Jenn

There are so many different ways to take part in medicine than being a doctor. I'd suggest that before taking that leap, he explore all different options. It's a long, arduous road - only longer and harder when leaving an established professional life and bringing a long a family from the start. It can be done - but it's not to be undertaken lightly.

Jenn's right - read - a lot.

Are you willing to:

live so low on money that you may qualify for food stamps in medical school, assuming your a SAHM or a PT WOHM

accumulate over $40,000 a year for school loans and then add the amount you need each year to live on

be alone, alot, to be the one to do ALL of the house work, to often not get your husband back home until after 7:00, to be strong and independent or you will drown personally going through this challenge

are you willing to find out that residency averagely pays $40-42 starting a year, and to live on that for a family of 4, and to find out that the living wage doesn't really change whether you live on the expesive coasts or in the cheaper mid west

are you willing to find out mid medical school that your husband could only be happy doing xyz, which may include surgury as most med students change their minds on specialities as they actually see them in process, because once your in, unless someone is willing to pay off your loans there is no going back

are you willing to live with a pager, unless he does EM or Derm or another of the few specialties that don't require one

are you willing to find out that while YOU are in the ER you DH is at another hospital working and can't get away, btdt

are you willing to sacrifice your ideas of what a doctors wife is, what you will be able to do, where you will live, where your church or community is, because medicine is a constant shuffle of going here and then there and then here agian, to live away from family and friends

are you willing to find out that after 4 years of medical school, 4+ years of residency that your husband just has to do a fellowship too to be able to do the very thing he wants

are you willing to grin and bear it


You have to be a very strong women, have a strong marriage, and be willing to ride all these waves to make this work successfully. It will take 4 years of medical school, an residency of 3+years, and more for a speciality like cardiology. My friends just bought their VERY first house 7 years AFTER medical school. This is the truth of medicine. Take the jump and it can be a great adventure, but has lots of challenges:

GL

eta: boobs are just boobs and vaginas are just vaginas, it's not sexy in a clincial situation, you'll get over this if he pursues medicine

Thank you for any help you have given or may give. I am totally struggling with this idea but H seems to think he can make this work. Are we being realistic? I have unfortunately been told recently i led a sheltered life by father in law and i am not worldly wise so you see how I have lots of questions.

[rainbabies]

i told my dh about this post last night...he said, "i hate to tell someone not to do it, but dont do it".

not a week goes by that he doesn't tell me if he knew now, what he knew then....he never would have put us thru it.

[DCJenn]

The bottom line is that it's NOT your husband who has to make it work. It's you and your kids who will be making the biggest sacrifice. Sure they have it tough, no one denies that but they also get the accolades that come along with being "a doctor" or "the medical student" blah, blah, blah.

It's a supremely difficult lifestyle. Whether you make it work depends on your comfort level with all of the things that JulieL mentioned. or, he can go the military route and you just have to accept the fact that he will be deployed at some point. (although medical school and residency are just as bad, you at least earn a living wage in the military)

My husband loves what he does but he wouldn't do it again, either.

Jenn

[MrsC]

I would suggest that you write all of the facts and figures down and let him see what challenges are ahead. Like, he'd be around 40 when he's done with residency, a family of four living on a residents salary, debt, lifestyle changes.

I know that my H can often be blindsighted in following his career and fails to see the full picture.

It's a huge decision to make and you want to be supportive but it's you and the kids who will make all the sacrafices. Be very happy that he's ruled out surgery

Lots of great replies already. I have a few thoughts (some piggyback on previous posts and maybe one is novel) after reading your post.

Given your older daughter's age, your husband would begin residency when she's around 11 y.o. (since he has to do some post-bacc work). There is a very good chance that you guys would have to relocate for his residency. Also, even if he's aiming for a family-friendly specialty, the residency itself will still be hell. The residency will likely span most of her high school years and could encompass all of them and necessitate a second move as well (fellowship matching for instance).

Of course a lot of the financial stuff has already been mentioned, but I feel compelled to add that your older daughter will be ready to start college about the time your husband gets his first year of attending salary (and after racking up lots of school debt -- or at the very least forgoing his M.B.A. related salary for at least a decade at that point).

Does your husband have an aptitude for science and enjoy it as well? There will be lots of biochem, organic, etc., etc. before the patient care aspects of schooling begin.

Okay, here's a question that may seem like it's coming from left-field, but actually it was the first one that I had before thinking of the other more nitty-gritty considerations. Is the "epiphany" or a-ha moment of your daughter's serious health issues a logical basis to enter head-long into this long journey that will take its toll on your entire family? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that logic and working through the process can't be part of a well-thought plan.

But my first concern is something like this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have a sick child. I'm sure the hospital stay / worries / etc. were nothing short of horrific. The horror must have been compounded by the fact that parents always want to protect their children from danger, pain, suffering and when they are not able to do so (even when it is impossible and not their fault), I imagine there is a great feeling of guilt and impotence.

Enter physicians, whom in this case worked hard and were able to help provide what seems to be a great outcome for your daughter. Both of you rightly and naturally respected their efforts and held them in high esteem. Subconciously, now your husband might never want to feel as afraid and powerless as he did during your daughter's illness. In that light, becoming the doctor himself is a way of being the strong protector again. But is he aware of this possibility? And what are the implications / ramifications of this long road if it ultimately is to fulfill this latent need?

Just something to consider.

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
We need honesty and appreciate it. Sometimes families says what they think you want/need to hear and not the truth.

Kevin, a mans perspective was encouraging; I guess very important to say the least. I would say we understand how the protection part would come into play and are still searching our hearts.

We financially will have some starting money and equity in our home we will be selling so that will help. Also, some family help thankfully
but we obviously know we still come out with debt and will live very meager untill he would find placement. It would be a change of pace and very scary but I have to do what my H feels led to do if thats what he decides but all your input is so helpful and important in our planning.

The alone time is sad and quite honestly a huge stretch from our history. We dated in high school and have been togather for a total of 11 years and married for 6 years. We haven't spent much time apart and we love it. So trying to comprehend that isn't clicking.

Question about DH's: Looking back, do many feel that entering medicine with a family wasn't the best choice due to the stress put on the family unit or would everyone still do it again? I know they must have amazing women behind them but I fear I am not one of them. I'm strong, but Independant? I don't know.

Please, you are all so helpful keep the honesty comming I can't thank you enough!

I've got to tell you - if you're used to a lot of togetherness, and your kids are used to Dad being around a lot ... it's a HUGE change. My dh is a pathologist -- one of the easiest 'hours-wise', both in residency and practice, and my kids see him MAYBE 1 hour a day. Most weekends he's around -- but that is RARE for an MD.

If I had walked into this already owning a house and having equity, etc. - there is NO WAY on the planet I would have taken that money - that security- and used it to finance medical school. Certainly there are parts of this life that are rewarding --- but I honestly believe that kind of reward and other self-satifying rewards can be found w/out putting yourself and your family through school and residency.

Honestly - school was the easy part. It's residency that is hell. At least 3 years, but if he wants to do something along the lines of what saved your child, probably 6 to 9 (depending on research involved). Your kids will rarely see him -- hard enough for me w/two little ones, but even harder I think with teenagers.

Do it if it is the ONLY thing that will make him (and your family) happy.

[Vanquisher]

I wouldn't do it again. No way, no how. One of my kids is almost 9, and the other is 2 1/2. It is hard for both of them in different ways, and it is a nightmare for me. School, for sure, wasn't too bad except for the poverty. Residency is hell. Pure hell. I don't think it is worth taking your family to the brink of collapse and back over and over and over again for the dream of being a doctor.

I will say this again, I have said it before. Consider PA school. Really.

There is a reason this support board exists for medical spouses, and it isn't because the lifestyle is all wine and roses.

Make your dh read some of the posts on this board, oh and stick around long enough to get into the call room and marriage matters so that you can read even more in depth the struggles and strife that the medical family goes through.

Is your husband willing to choose medicine OVER his family? Believe it or not, this really is the choice when it comes down to it.

not a week goes by that he doesn't tell me if he knew now, what he knew then....he never would have put us thru it.

My DH has made comments like this as well, and he's determined to steer our boys away from medicine when they get older.

Jodi

[Meenah]

Is it possible to go the PA route and somehow use the MBA? My DH would definitely do everything over again. We have four kids, three in college and I am finishing up graduate school (Nurse Practitioner) and the debt we have is really horrific, but I would do this again too! I bitch and moan and whine but we do both love what we are doing. I agree with Jenn, the ones who will make the sacrifices will be you and the kids. If you decide to do it, I'm sure we will all get to know you as this will be a safe haven for you to vent!!

[Laker]

Has he thought about dental school? 4 years then you get paid. Nice lifestyle and the benefits of being a "Dr." but quicker payout and generally better lifestyle. My dentist works 4 days a week and makes significant coin. DW is still in residency, while several of our friends that chose dental school already have houses and made significant financial progress.