Husband Looking to Start Med School Wife Needs Help!

Well my husband has had alot of info to sort through and though we don't have an answer but he has decided to turn down a job offer. It was difficult but the table needed to be cleared alittle and now maybe he can focus better on the next big decision.

Not to whine but I guess I never thought life had to be this difficult, I don't know what I'm saying we have had 3 really rough soul searching weeks. I know this sounds bad but I couldn't eat for almost 2 weeks! Really!

The wierd thing is as hard as it's been we somehow are closer then when this all began. Maybe I am we are glutton for punishment. No not really, I needed to vent he just made the decline a couple of hours ago.

Thanks for listening.

OP, sorry for getting off track with this dental stuff. I hope you and your husband come to the right decision for the two of you after considering all possible options.

Kevin, I hear what you are saying and think your comments are very perceptive. Maybe I am an outlier in my views on the social status of doctors versus dentists but where I live I must sadly admit that money determines social status and dentists have alot more of it. Doctors are a dime a dozen in my city and generally other professionals feel sorry for them because they are comparatively underpaid/overworked. The scope of practice stuff was in reference to other posters' comments as well as discussions in my house, not your post. At the end of the day, I am just bitter my husband didn't choose dentistry . . .

Let me tell you all: My dentist has a JET (no joke) and a four day work week. He has a lovely family that he sees every day at 430pm. My husband is on his last legs after ten years of medschool/training and even the dog has given up waiting by the door for him. Husband has a Honda civic. Dentist is working on mouths. Husband is focusing on colons.

Who got the better deal?

Is the "epiphany" or a-ha moment of your daughter's serious health issues a logical basis to enter head-long into this long journey that will take its toll on your entire family? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that logic and working through the process can't be part of a well-thought plan.

While I agree with a lot of Kevin's arguments, I must also add that when our premies were in the NICU for 3 weeks, our favorite nurse BY FAR was someone who had gone through the experience herself; her son had been there for over 3 months. The experience changed her life and she immediately started training to work in the NICU. We were so thankful because she was passionate and knowledgable beyond words.

Jodi

Jodi,

Okay. I'm afraid I'm not writing well these days so I'll try to reframe what I said about the health situation as an "a-ha" moment.

First, with your reference to your NICU nurse, I'm in agreement that sometimes the personal experiences of healthcare providers (whether nurse, doctor, PA, etc.) can improve their patient care (or at least their communication skills with families). In your nurse example, it is unclear to me whether the woman was already a nurse and that her experience with her own child led to a desire to further specialize to work in the NICU.

If that is the case, then the nurse already had decided to pursue something in healthcare (namely nursing) and the personal change deepened her commitment, spurred her to specialize a little further (not exactly sure all that would entail in this case), and seems to have improved her rapport with her patients' families.

If she wasn't a nurse at all prior to her own family's experience, then that is a little closer to the original poster's scenario but I would argue that it's still radically different. Again, the difference time, monetary and family commitment compared between two people starting from scratch to become either a physician or nurse is huge. Again, not trying to denigrate nurses at all just pointing out big differences in the two routes and what they entail.

Okay, before everyone falls asleep, I'll save the :chat: and be blunt. If I were a betting man, I'd say given what little I know from the original poster that the focus on medicine will entail too much for his family at this point. The fact that there is no evidence that he is prepared for this journey and is in the midst of the ongoing health crisis of his daughter suggests to me that this is a distraction for him and an attempt at gaining a psychological place where he feels more in control. In short, medicine for his family is not the way to get there. I type this knowing I could be all wrong and his wife could be typing on here about twelve years from now as an attending's wife, but I honestly doubt it.

[Flynn]

Wow -- what great answers everybody has chewed on here.

This thread has been really interesting to me!

I have nothing constructive to add -- it's all been tossed around at length by you guys.

If I had to bet on this situation I'd definitely put my money on Kevin's "take" of the situation.

Medicine is no picnic. To put your family through it later in life seems cruel to me regardless of the situation. I'm one of the old battle weary babes here, but that's my gut reaction.

[Vanquisher]

Lace,

I remember feeling optomistic about medicine, this life that I was leading, and the things to come. When warned, although never in depth, about the hardship of the training road, I thought, "We can do it. We love each other, and if those people can make it, surely we can!"

That was before.

Nothing, nothing, nothing prepared me for residency and the hardships to follow. There are those of us that handle this situation with far more grace and ease than I have seemed to, but it is still a hard path to take.

I urge you to not take our warnings with a grain of salt but to see that this lifestyle really does ruin families. We are here in it, and we are making it work, but the cost is very, very high.

PA school or NP. Don't go this road unless it is the only road.

[/quote]In your nurse example, it is unclear to me whether the woman was already a nurse and that her experience with her own child led to a desire to further specialize to work in the NICU. [quote]

Hi Kevin, it was late last night when I wrote that and in my head I had explained it MUCH clearer.

Our NICU nurse was actually working construction before she had her child; she had no college education at all. I guess that's why it was such a touching story when we found out near the end of our NICU stay. I'm glad she didn't have to look back on her life and wonder what could have been...

Lace, I wish you and your family the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Jodi

[Meenah]

I'll play the devil's advocate here, why not go for it. If he doesn't maybe he will become bitter and resentful that he didn't follow his dream. There are so many ways to look at this. Maybe my perspective is selfish, I have pursued my NP at expense to my family as well and will be paying off student loans at the same time I'm paying off parent loans for my daughters college. Misery loves company"

Hey Luanne,

We're going to make this as long as the TomKat thread!

To your devil's advocate position I would counter that bitter is a choice. He'd have to choose to be resentful. And I probably would contend (if he never pursues it) that what he'll regret is his dream of a doctor - which I don't think matches the reality.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but comparing your situation to his is somewhat attenuated. Yes, there are sacrifices to be made for your pursuit of NP but are they on the same level as what he's proposing? Both his children are very young, he would be starting from scratch, higher debt load, longer time forgoing salary....

Likewise, when you began to shoulder your dream at least your children's formative years were done as they are grown. You're not missing significantly more of their lives during crucial years as they've left the nest. And you also have the support of your spouse who is also very busy so the added demands of school haven't altered your relationship as much as it would alter the lives of this couple. Also, I'm guessing your decision to become an NP was not also made in reaction to or in the midst of an ongoing health crisis of your child -- at least there was no chance that something that could've been clouding your judgement.

[houseelf]

Please take my response with the knowledge that I'm knee deep in the trenches right now in a HORRIBLE speciality.

This thread ROCKS. I love the honesty.

I have to defer to Flynn's previous wisdom on this. At one point, she said that if someone offered her five million dollars to do it again (9 years of residency/fellowship combined), she would turn it down.

Ditto. Me too. And I'm a pretty fiscally responsible human being. Somewould even say parsimonious. Still, nothing is worth this brand of hell.

Be very, very careful. Although I could go on forever, I'm going to stop writing now because I realize that we all come to the table with different variables, relationships, and varying degrees of frailty.

Whatever your decision, best of luck.

Kelly

[SuzySunshine]

I have stayed out of this thread because I didn't feel I had anything to add but now I do...

RIGHT NOW I would say we would do it again, BUT we DO NOT have children! DH and I BOTH agree that you couldn't pay us enough to do this with kids prior to this point, now we're ready but wouldn't have been before and that's coming from a DH that LOVES what he does! Part of that is because if we have kids next year they won't even be kindergarten age by the time DH is done with training.

I have seen my friends' kids ask about daddy not being home and its heartbreaking, I know your kids are older than that but he would miss A LOT and it truely is a choice between his career and his family at this point.

I wish you lots of luck I'm sure its a heart wrenching decision.

[Lo]

i know this is kind of going off of the topic but do you think its a bad idea to have kids right after we get married when DH will be PGY 3?

Wow, I might be overwhelmed at this point but I think I can take it. We are so grateful for all of your insight and the different variables that everyone has had to offer.

I can only imagine where I might be without this forum, Probally H would have been applying for post bac classes and I would be lost and scared to death.

At this point he is trying to figure out if the family sacrifice is worth the end result. He is a family guy and takes his girls everywhere he goes. He is an amazing Dad and I know he is struggling to find his path.

He did get his MBA from Villanova.

Kelly, honesty does ROCK! And Kevin again you are so clear to me, Thank You all.

[lilponygirl]

One thing I've observed is, of all the specialties out there, it seems the ones most common on this site are the truly grueling ones. The ones that require a solid support group. Don't get me wrong, I know they all have their challenges, but is it possible that there is more negative feedback here because it consists of those who have the time and resentment to spew these posts out? For instance, my husband is going into pediatrics, which isn't a horrible field. I've based this on the fact that I don't have the chance to come on here as much because dh is home most of the time, except when on-call like tonight. He is, however, only a 4th year, so I'm sure I'll end up eating my words, but it just seems that after dh went through all the different rotations, it was clear to me that OB/GYN and surgery were the absolute worst, and I can completely see why those residencies would be hell. That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

I have to disagree. It's amazing how many folks on this site are spouses of people in R.O.A.D (add the E for EM, and the P for Path, IMO). I can think of 5 anesthesia spouses, 3 or 4 EM spouses, and 2 Optho spouses - off the top of my head. There are far fewer surgical spouses on the site b/c there are probably fewer surgical spouses during the training years.

It's negative b/c even the "easy" specialties can be very, very hard on families. Just the medical machine - the roller coaster and the total lack of control you have over at least 7 years of your life -- usually more -- is hard enough.