worried about ds

[Sheherezade]

Sylvia! That's just miserable. I resisted posting because I didn't want to be a downer. My DS was like this in preschool. It was torture. I stuck it out because the teachers told me that it would only get worse if I pulled him out. They saw it as a hump in development he needed to get over - and then I guess they thought it would be fine. Well. He gets anxious about a new school NOW at age 10 and it takes weeks to settle in. It's just the way he is. Maybe it's the same for your little guy. In retrospect, I don't think leaving him in or pulling him out would have any impact on his future social life. At least in our case, the social anxiety did not lessen with practice. (And my poor kid has had 5 new schools across the training road.)

Here's what did help him.

One...consistency. Getting out of the house was a little easier if I promised him a hot chocolate and a story in the morning before we had breakfast and left. It gave him some Mom time and he knew what to expect. (Getting out of the house was still nerve racking when zero hour came. ) Same for pick up. Same time, same place. Never different.

Two....making a friend. When he got to know one of the kids in class, he stopped freaking out about school. Apparently, one day another child announced to the class that Zach was his best friend. Who knew? After that, Zach would go without stress. I think he felt that he'd never fit in and making friends was so hard for him. Nice to have one "ready-made". I'd try to vigorously pursue the playdate idea for your son if you are going to keep him there. If one child doesn't work out, try another. Maybe you'll find someone he clicks with and then he'll feel comfortable in the classroom.

Big big That's a rough, rough time. I hope it gets better soon.

[rainbabies]

thank you everyone for all the thoughts, suggestions, and hugs. i was a freak all day crying, worrying, and crying some more. you would think i would be all dried up by now. between ds, giving the puppy away and waiting for our slow financial death...these past few days have sucked.

i talked to ds's teacher and the aid today. they said he is fine after i leave and it is good that i just kiss him and walk. waiting around for that one last kiss and hug only makes it worse. i asked if he is "fine, like not crying fine and just waiting around for me" or "fine, interacting, socializing, and seemingly happy on the outside" of course it is the first option. they say he hardly talkes, keeps to himself and even if they move him to a group of boys he will still play by himself in the middle of the group. he talks all the time at home and is such a know it all....bossy boss. i guess he is just overwhelmed with all "the children"

i also asked the aid "what would you do in this situation?" she said something that TOTALLY PISSED me off! she looked right at me and said, "well, i was a SAHM, i didnt need to put my kids in pre-school" well excuse me! he is only here for socialization! GGRRRRR!!! this was followed by an awkward minute of silence. i didnt feel the need to defend myself and HELLO not everyone can stay home!

oh, and i did ask if he and another child have hit it off...no. i saw a little boy try to talk to him and ds just turned around and walked away.


i guess im just going to keep sending him and hope for the best. i really hope he can work it out. thanks again. i'll try not to bring this up again. i just feel so sad for him.

[Stella]

Don't feel bad for feeling bad. I can't imagine how hard it must be or how you feel right now. But we're all here for you and I really hope that it improves, even just a little bit. You're doing a great job. Don't forget that.

Brother. I would maybe stick with the head teacher and skip the aid! What is she thinking? I think the idea of a play time with another child from the class is a good idea. I'm sorry they couldn't give you a suggestion -- was that the aid or teacher? Maybe the teacher would recognize that one of the other kids would be a good playmate.

[Sheherezade]

Uhhhh....warning! warning! I'd definitely have red lights and bells going off with that kind of conversation with the aid. WTF?

Is this a place that values preschool? Or is it a "preschool" that's really a care center? I'd be concerned. I would plan on having a scheduled talk with the lead teacher soon. Tell her your concerns. Find out about a possible good fit friend. Bring up the possibility of him just doing work at home and not attending the school. I'd be interested to see how she reacts. Hopefully, she'll tell you he should stay, it's good for him, give it time.....

If she doesn't, I'd be looking around. Maybe he's miserable for a reason.


And absolutely bring it up when you need to Sylvia! I'm worried about him too now!

I agree, Angie. I've been thinking about that and seriously wonder what the aid is thinking on that and why she is in that job in the first place and what the lead teacher would think.

[Ames]

Woah! That is not ok! (ok that was my teacher voice) What a rude thing to say! I think preschool is good for him but THIS preschool may not be! I don't feel like the teacher or the aid were much help to you here. I know, just move to DC and he can be in my class! Seriously though, you know your kid best and there are other ways he can be socialized if this school is not working for him. I am of course biased toward preschool becuase without it I have no job but it's not worth you both being miserable. Preschool didn't work for my cousin but she flourished in a home day care setting. Maybe there is some other sort of kids group he could be part of in your town.

What Angie, Nellie, & Amy said.

[planet]

Just catching up with this and totally agree with above comments. Maybe this preschool is not the right match for him? Maybe the aide spoke without thinking or maybe she personally doesn't value preschool as a choice. Definitely seems worth talking to someone above her.

[rainbabies]

i have thought about it more and more....*sigh* i (we) still do not know what to do. part of me wants to pull him, do workbook stuff at home and go to the local library for story hr once a week. dh says what ever im comfortable with. "it has to be right for you and him" i agree, but would like a little unavail. input.

the aid: i dont think she said it to be nasty, i think it was just a stupid comment.

the teacher: thinks he should stay. says it would be good for him...to pull him now would just make it harder next year. if we enrolled him for social skills, that is what they will continue to work on.

me: i love the teacher(s) and other than the stupid comment, the aid seems to care.

the place he goes is a childcare and development center. it is highly regarded in the area, there is a HUGE waiting list, and is owned by the hospital system. we have heard nothing but great things about it. all of the residents and attending that dh works with, sends their kids there.

im afraid to be one of those parents...constantly annoying the teachers, the director, asking questions....BUT he is my kid and i need to stand up for him! OMG, it doesnt get better when they get older, does it?

this is what my head is telling me...if he has social anxieties (like some family members) we will help him with the appropriate channels when he is older and able to discuss them in more detail with us, a counselor, his future teacher, etc. why force the issue now as a toddler...let him be the happy boy he is AT HOME...and let him deal with this "adult" stuff when he is older.


So, what would YOU do??? :>

[DCJenn]

I think that in your heart, your answer is already there.

Pull him. If he's not ready, he's not ready. Kids are different. I went to kindergarten at four. My mom kept my brother home until he was six. He wasn't even remotely ready to go and I was chomping at the bit.

As adults, we're equally out-going although John may take longer to warmup to people. Heck, he does COLD CALLS and sales calls for work. The social anxiety seemed to get much better when he became the Big Man On Campus.

Jenn

Sylvia, sometimes the best preschool isn't the best for your kid or you. You could try another week or two and see how it goes or you could pull him out and look at some other options. I think the library story time is a good one. An in-home program might be good. Or just waiting it out for a few months as well. He might be more aware of moving recently than he has been in the past and perhaps it is a lot of change all at once?

btw -- is he 3 or 3.5? There is a series of books (Your 3 year old, etc) that talk about periods of equilibrium and disequilibrium at the half year mark. All kids are different, but I think this really applied to my oldest. She had a much easier time dealing with change and new situations at the whole year mark and anxieties would creep up more around the half year mark. Just a thought. The books are dated in some ways but I think the behavioral information is helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Three-Year-O ... F8&s=books

the teacher: thinks he should stay. says it would be good for him...to pull him now would just make it harder next year. if we enrolled him for social skills, that is what they will continue to work on.

That sounds lovely in theory - but it doesn't sound like they've been working on it (from what you've said). Reporting daily that he 'plays alone' and 'likes to be a loner' doesn't seem like they've been focusing on his social needs at all.

We went through 3 preschools until I feel I've finally found a good fit for my kids (a year at each, though ... in hindsight I wish I'd followed my instincts and pulled him from the first one when they complained that he couldn't write his name at 3 and said he was 'stubborn').

If this is the only game in town (and in WV it may be ..) then you may need to work through it. If there are others - then one may end up being a better fit for you guys.

[rainbabies]

thank you, thank you, thank you!

i just called and spoke with the director. i did it...he is not going anymore. we will not attempt pre-school again until next september. of course there is a two week notice and we will be charged, and he can go...but i wont bring him.

thank you all for listening to me, giving me advice, thoughts and words of wisdom. im getting ready to call the library. they have a 1 hr program once a week for 3-4 year olds.

(a part of me feels guilty that somehow i failed him...i should have prepared him better.)

This is just where he is at, Sylvia. You didn't fail him, you're being mindful of what he needs right now.