Oh My Blog!

I'm so so so tired at the moment, there's only one thing that causes this kind of tiredness, will reveal more when I tell SO but you've probably guessed already.

:z :z

Thankfully these blogs are private as I know since the secret santa started SO has been peeping

I'm in COMPLETE shock, I don't know where to go or where to turn and I've just got off 2 phone calls to my mum in tears.

After last nights events and getting off to sleep late SO wasn't in great form this morning so I told him to have a lie in and we'd go out for the morning. When I got back he was on the phone to the internet people trying to get it fixed and then afterwards he went straight back to bed, so I went back into him and asked him was he ok and he said no, I have a headache and just need to sleep, so I left him. He only got up at 4 o'clock (starts work at 6p-2a) and came into the sitting room and said he 'couldn't do this' and that he's decided he doesn't want a baby, doesn't want to continue our relationship, when he comes home from work he's cancelling our trip to germany and told me to make alternatives for christmas

I'm just in absolute shock, we've discussed this subject and the risks we take over and over and over and over again, 2 months ago when I thought I might be he was so excited, I don't know what has happen, he won't even talk to me, he told me he can't be around me right now, when he gets home tonight I think he's going to ask me to sleep on the sofa. He ask me what I wanted I said I wanted to talk and he said 'go on then, i've 5 mins before I have to leave, inspire me!' all in front of DS, I didn't know what to say and was crying, he told me he'll talk tonight.

I really and truely don't know why he's being like this, how in 24 hours have we gone from a happy family day at the zoo to this reaction??????
Everything was fine last night. this is NOT a normal reaction. He also said its take this ew to 'wake himself up'????????WTF is that meant to mean, WE'VE DISCUSSED THIS sooo many times.

I feel so embarrassed writing about this here and airing dirty laundry, I spoke to my mum who said not to worry and I'll be home in 4 days and it will give him some time. I don't know what is going to happen, my heart is racing and I can't stop crying, my whole life revolves around SO, I've given up a lot for him, and its irreversable, if he is serious I'm going to be left with nothing, absolutely nothing and 2 children to support! I feel like a silly little girl that was being totally niave. I've always thought being pregnant was such a precious gift, no matter how ill i get with it, I still do, to go through another pregnancy alone is terrifying

I'm all tucked up in bed and its so loooooooovely!!!

Our trip home was HORRENDOUS!!! 12 HOURS!

Matthew screamed solidly for 4.5 hours and slept for 1 hour, more crying , me crying, dirty looks from everyone, 2.5 delay in shannon airport because they wanted to wait for the New York flight and board their passengers going to dublin on our plane. Matthew fell asleep 10 mins before landing, stroller never arrived at the gate so was left to carry my 16 kg child, heavy bag on back and one in my hand, a ver kind passenger helped me but the weight of sleeping ds was exhausting, couldn't get anywhere near the carosel to get my baggage, had to find an airpot assistant to help get the trolley with my bags on it out to arrivals while i pushed ds in stroller, it was a total nightmare!!!

I got into bed at 1 o clock and slept solidly until 8pm, so totally dehydrated, lips are all cracked, and to top it off ots FECKIN FREEZING here, the wind would cut you in 2 and its raining, it's so cold I don't want to get out of bed to turn the heating on.....can't wait until DS is old enough and can be 'trained' to do these things for me


no pregnancy symtoms yet, a bit acidy but its too early, going to my family doctor this afternoon to sort out care and beg for antiemetics so we can hide pregnancy from FMIL while we're in Germany, because of my istory I/we feel its best to wait until everything progesses to 14-16 weeks and we have 8 week and 12 week scan under our belt.
My mum has been as supportive as ever as has Ciaran.

Anyway, have a wedding to plan so have to get on with phone calls!!

So I went to my family doctor todayand confirmed pregnancy and sign all the forms in case I choose combined care (where half your appointments are with OB and other half are with your family doctor who has post grad in OB), We'll probably go privately for reassurance with my history but will make that descision in December. My doctor has already written me a referral for the hospital for hyperemesis and an early scan. I'm quite dehydrated from the flight and the goings on of last week, My lips are cracked and my tongue is sore, BP is low and pulse is marginally raised, I said I'd try and combat it myself at home over the next 48 hours so drinking lots of fluids with rehydration solution in them and have been put on fortijuice, high calorie drinks to try and get my weight up a bit before I start loosing it!!, IT-TASTES-DISGUSTING but hoping it helps a bit, if this pregnancy is the one to make it then I want to try and be in the best frame of mind and not suffer like I did with DS so bring on the fortisip/juice (I'm drinking as I write, just discovered if I don't smell while I drink its not so bad, just an after taste like sour milk, its meant to be strawberry flavour!!)

SO changed rotation, he's ust finished OB and now back in emergency and loving it!! He felt OB was so slow, he saw 3 babies being born in 4 weeks!! one was a c-section, Just no one wanted to pop them out on his shifts!

It's close to midnight here, still jetlagged andhave to go back to work tomorrow, was meant to take my driving test tomorrow but cancelled it, just not prepared enough for it!

I had my first OB appointment today. as soon as I walked through the door my doctors receptionist look up and gave me the warmest welcome, I then told her this wouldn;t be a gynae appointment but an OB one, and she got so excited and started congratulating me, it was soo so lovely. I've been going there since 2000 when I had my first miscarraige and my OB/GYN is so busy so I don't know how she always remembers me and all Matthews details.

My OB was so reassuring, he has a scanner in his rooms but he didn't scan me, its too early and if he didn't see something he knew I would just get really apprehensive, I'm glad he didn't. I am booked in for my first scan with the ultrasonography midwives in the National Maternity Hospital in Dublin on the 4th so Ciaran will be home and be able to come with me.

Ciaran is talking about taking a year off next year and coming home and working as an Specialist Reg(like a 1st year attending) here for a year and then returning to the programme the following year so he can be home for the birth and give us some more time here so we can all move over together. I would love him to do it. We'll see what happens.

ok so it has come to light we can't get married in Ireland unless we want to wait until next year. Ciaran has Vacation time in December and February and you have to give a minimum of 3 months so we'll have to get married in America, I'm glad about that because it means I don't have to invite my mums massive annoying family!! she has nine brothers and sisters and they have all a minimun of 4 off spring each!

Next job to do is to get the freedom to marry certificates sorted.

Not around too much, sickness is bad but manageable, got sick on the train going into work so came straight home again. My doctors here refused to prescribe anti sickness, anyone who's prevously had HG will know that early treatment with anti emetics is crutial to a quicker recovery and a less severe HG.

Going back to bed, computer is triggering sickness again.

::

May have to limit ise of that smilie!

Haven't been around the last few days as computer screen making me sick, actually everything including simple things like rolling over in bed making me sick, well thanks goodness for Zofran and have started it today, I get about 2 hours relief from 8 mg but can only take it twice a day, but at least i'm getting relief from it which i didn't with DS.

We had a scan this morning. We saw a little heart flickering away which is good news but need to go back in 2 weeks to make sure i'm out of the woods. I'm only just 6.5 weeks but apparently seeing a heartbeat reduces risk down to about 5%.

Ciaran was beside me and held my hand through the scan, very emotinal for both of us. We're signing documents this week to get a licence to marry.

Back to bed for me, we're off to Germany this weekend, with future MIL, She's lovely ad all but she talks so much and trying to hide all day sickness while her non stop chatter keeps setting it off won't be easy!!!!

I am SICK of future MIL!!!

When I in her company everything is fine and she's the nicest person in the world but when I'm not she has this power over SO that he will totally deny!

I'm not going to Germany I'm too sick and likely to end up in hospital soon as its begining to get really tough just holding onto fluids. SO came home on Saturday and I spent the day there, I was pretty sick while i was there but FMIL didn't cop it, SO drove back to my house and we stayed there that night and he returned to his home the next day, I haven't seen him since!! He told his mother last night and she was (as expected) upset, us not being married and all that, and so he had to stay there with her and today he'll come over here spend probaly about 2 hours before going back to his and heading to Germany with his mother.

I have already said during the week, Ciaran you are spending 4 days in Germany with your mother could we not have you during the week? (we couldn't go there as she didn't know about the pregnancy) but the answer I got was 'you saw me when you where over in america' oh yeah floating in and out the door to work, passed out with tiredness on the bed, reeeeeeeeeeal quality time there bucko!! I'm mad, really mad and he's going to know all about it when he gets here. It's not fair and he needs to know where his priorities are now! Vacation time is for your family, this family! your mum can go over and visit you any time, she just refuses to! why give up vacation time when she refuses to come over and see you!

I'm not the best company now with my head the majority of the time stuck down the porcelin throne but we need him more than ever right now!

Things are not looking good, all symtoms have disappeared. My consultant (my OB) has organised a scan for the morning and will most likely be for D+C and ERPC on thurs if indicated on the scan. Feeling pretty useless as a woman right now. If there is no hearbeat tomorrow this will be the 5th baby I've lost/miscarried. Ciaran is trying to make his way home from Germany but most likely won't be home until tomorrow evening. My heart is just breaking. After the last miscarriage my consultant did ultrasounds, CT's, laproscopy, hormone tests, cytogenetics, lupus, clotting test etc, absolutely nothing found, nothing. and apparently its just bad luck. I can't accept that excuse anymore.

I've just returned from the airport and yet another period of separation begins, although this time its only a short one, eight weeks. Its the first time I haven't been teary eyed at the airport, just too sick to concentrate on anything else, TBH I glad I don't have to put Ciaran through my sickness as well as myself, its just too hard to try and concentrate on not looking sick, although he wishes he could be her holding my hair back.

FMIL on the other hand was in bits and kept asking me 'why does he have to go, why does he have to go so far away' I just not good with questions like that so I said 'i dunno know, but he's was gone for 6 months ast time, this time its only 8 weeks', but I swear we are having 4 days - a week of that time to just the 2 of us+ ds, away somewhere. My parents agree that we need that, not one day of the 2 weeks he was home that did not involve her, plus she got to go away to Germany on our family trip alone with him because I was too sick and dehydrated to travel.

Yes I'm a bit bitter, but rant is over.

I really happy things seem to be going ok, though apprehensive, probably why i talk about it (it bein the pregnancy) so much. I'm having bad days but they are much fewer and far between compared to last time, a far cry from the hyperemesis of DS, I am sick everyday but I can tolerate fluids and most days at least 1 meal, I haven't made it to the shops to do the christmas shopping and have bought everything on line, except DS's santa presents which Ciaran got (under strict instructions otherwise before I know it he'd have blown the budget, you know what men are like when they get in a toy shop and re-find their youth!!)

I'm posting this here so SO doesn't have access to it!

Here's my dress, got it yesterday and the girl in the shop says she can work it around the bump!

Having major FMIL problems at the moment but won't go into her munipulative scandals because I'll just rant for pages besides I count myself lucky when I read about some of the MIL's a lot of you have.

Well I'm glad to say I've reached 12 weeks and been in the good half of the odds I was given that I would miscarry (which were 49% before 12 weeks) but have a scan on Monday and will feel a lot less worried once I have that. I was told at my last scan I may have to have a stitch put in place but I've never been told before that I have an incompetant cervix. I haven't told Ciaran yet until I know for definate as it won't need to be done until later stage anyway and will speak to my OB who will know more ( it was a midwife ultrasonographer who did my scan and she couldn't say for certain).

I've decided if Ciaran comes home then I will start my midwifery course in September as I'd like to eventually specialise in problems in early pregnancy, I've a little bit of experience in this area as up to 19 weeks in pregnancy in the UK women are seen in the ED which has a special gynae/OB area but in Ireland you need to train as a midwife.

On the small chance that Ciaran does decide we stay in America, I recieved all my documentation from Massachucetts BoN and they have given me the go ahead to apply for ATT to take my NCLEX so I can practice in America, after being told just a month ago by the Commisioner for graduates of Foreign nursing schools that I would not be able to practice until i did 40 hours of practical obstetrics as it is not covered here because we have midwifes who deliver babies. This is great news as it would eliviate a bit of financial pressure if I can work, and i would be happier too.

ok i know it doesn't look like it but there are 8 fingers 2 thumbs and 10 toes and a lot of activities going on that i'm not aware of .......yet! the picture is blurry because the baby was moving so much.

So ciaran is home for 2 weeks in February and as there is a seriously lack of snow in the Alps this year we aren't takig the risk going ski ing, we have booked for mid-week to go to Barcelona over Valentines. I can't wait!! especially the serious lack of FMIL!

This pregnancy is taking its toll on me emotionally at the moment. I guess being alone the last time was so different i didn't have to share anything, which sounds selfish, I absolutely love sharing everything with Ciaran but sometime i wish it could be sacred between the 2 of us and left his mother out, but she's getting really demanding and its just tiring me out that i feel like just do/say whatever you want I've exhausted every avenue of trying to compromise and be diplomatic ( to do with wedding or now lack of, too upset/distraught over the last week to go into it right now but i will at another point).

The latest is she wants the original scan pictures.....why i don't know! but I said I'll get nice copies on photographic paper for her and my own parents, hopefully that will be satisfactory. the other problem is the baby name.......its a long way off to july so I have a while to sort this one out, we said we've picked out girls names but can't agree on boys names at all, SO wanted to call it if it was a boy his fathers name, I don't like that particular name but said 'lets use it as a middle name instead' when he told MIL that we haven'tppicked out boys name her response was something like 'If it is a boy it will be call X, no question of it , why wouldn't you', SO told her i 'm not keen on it so I'm not sure how well thats going down at the moment. It's stressing me out and I have a really bad headache today, and tylenol is going no where near it!

This is a women, that before marriage and babies I thought was lovely, its amazing how a turn of events can change everything

I'm talking through stuff with my councilor on it as i know i have to give a little and i know she is not going to give at all and i need to learn to live with that, but its reeeeeeally hard!