Thanks for the really thought provoking thread, this has been an incredibly interesting read and I've had a lot to think about over the past few days.
Growing up, I was aware of abstinence-only education at my church and my parents rarely spoke about sexuality at all. In my late teens, my mother began encouraging me (not aggressively, just when it came up) to have sex before I got married. Not promiscuously in any way but from the perspective that "sexuality is a really important part of a person and an important part of intimacy and you should know if you're compatible with someone in that way before you marry them." She wasn't encouraging me to sleep around but not to marry anyone before I had sex.
I went off to college a virgin. I desperately wanted a BF and used sexuality as a way to attract men. As part of the hook-up culture, I was more than happy to go back to your room if you acted like you were interested in me. Thankfully, I was too terrified to actually have sex, I just did everything but. When I finally got my first BF at 19, I was so happy that I quickly slept with him to keep him around even though I didn't want to. Same with my second BF...At various times, I tried to stop having sex because I wanted to only be having sex with someone who was more strongly committed to me (I meant marriage) and I was scared I would get pregnant but he said he didn't want to stop and that we'd likely break up if we did. I was too chickenshit to stop. I needed him to love me.
Fast forward to DH (my last and final at #3), we both wish we'd waited to have sex when we were married. Neither of us had any horrific experiences but I think we both know that we didn't have the emotional maturity to be sleeping with people before each other. The emotional/spiritual side of sex is totally not emphasized, I didn't even have any truly BAD experiences but I used sex as a shortcut to intimacy. I used sex to attract and keep men. I didn't get sexual pleasure or satisfaction out of that, I got a brief high that went away damn quick and a "connection" that wasn't real.
And as an aside, I think a lot of kids think that "everything but actual vaginal sex" isn't sex and isn't a big deal. It IS a big deal. It really, really saddens me that I tried to make guys love me with sexual activity in college. I didn't get anything in return for those blowjobs and it's not really awesome that I literally can't remember how many/whose dicks I've had in my mouth... <---how's that for a sentence.
I plan to be open with my kids about this. I want to emphasize abstinence heavily and use my experience as evidence. I will also emphasize though that I love them and expect them to be safe whatever choice they make. I don't think (done correctly) that it has to be abstinence ONLY vs. birth control/sex talk.
Growing up, I was aware of abstinence-only education at my church and my parents rarely spoke about sexuality at all. In my late teens, my mother began encouraging me (not aggressively, just when it came up) to have sex before I got married. Not promiscuously in any way but from the perspective that "sexuality is a really important part of a person and an important part of intimacy and you should know if you're compatible with someone in that way before you marry them." She wasn't encouraging me to sleep around but not to marry anyone before I had sex.
I went off to college a virgin. I desperately wanted a BF and used sexuality as a way to attract men. As part of the hook-up culture, I was more than happy to go back to your room if you acted like you were interested in me. Thankfully, I was too terrified to actually have sex, I just did everything but. When I finally got my first BF at 19, I was so happy that I quickly slept with him to keep him around even though I didn't want to. Same with my second BF...At various times, I tried to stop having sex because I wanted to only be having sex with someone who was more strongly committed to me (I meant marriage) and I was scared I would get pregnant but he said he didn't want to stop and that we'd likely break up if we did. I was too chickenshit to stop. I needed him to love me.
Fast forward to DH (my last and final at #3), we both wish we'd waited to have sex when we were married. Neither of us had any horrific experiences but I think we both know that we didn't have the emotional maturity to be sleeping with people before each other. The emotional/spiritual side of sex is totally not emphasized, I didn't even have any truly BAD experiences but I used sex as a shortcut to intimacy. I used sex to attract and keep men. I didn't get sexual pleasure or satisfaction out of that, I got a brief high that went away damn quick and a "connection" that wasn't real.
And as an aside, I think a lot of kids think that "everything but actual vaginal sex" isn't sex and isn't a big deal. It IS a big deal. It really, really saddens me that I tried to make guys love me with sexual activity in college. I didn't get anything in return for those blowjobs and it's not really awesome that I literally can't remember how many/whose dicks I've had in my mouth... <---how's that for a sentence.
I plan to be open with my kids about this. I want to emphasize abstinence heavily and use my experience as evidence. I will also emphasize though that I love them and expect them to be safe whatever choice they make. I don't think (done correctly) that it has to be abstinence ONLY vs. birth control/sex talk.
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