Safe sex

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Thanks for the really thought provoking thread, this has been an incredibly interesting read and I've had a lot to think about over the past few days.

Growing up, I was aware of abstinence-only education at my church and my parents rarely spoke about sexuality at all. In my late teens, my mother began encouraging me (not aggressively, just when it came up) to have sex before I got married. Not promiscuously in any way but from the perspective that "sexuality is a really important part of a person and an important part of intimacy and you should know if you're compatible with someone in that way before you marry them." She wasn't encouraging me to sleep around but not to marry anyone before I had sex.

I went off to college a virgin. I desperately wanted a BF and used sexuality as a way to attract men. As part of the hook-up culture, I was more than happy to go back to your room if you acted like you were interested in me. Thankfully, I was too terrified to actually have sex, I just did everything but. When I finally got my first BF at 19, I was so happy that I quickly slept with him to keep him around even though I didn't want to. Same with my second BF...At various times, I tried to stop having sex because I wanted to only be having sex with someone who was more strongly committed to me (I meant marriage) and I was scared I would get pregnant but he said he didn't want to stop and that we'd likely break up if we did. I was too chickenshit to stop. I needed him to love me.

Fast forward to DH (my last and final at #3), we both wish we'd waited to have sex when we were married. Neither of us had any horrific experiences but I think we both know that we didn't have the emotional maturity to be sleeping with people before each other. The emotional/spiritual side of sex is totally not emphasized, I didn't even have any truly BAD experiences but I used sex as a shortcut to intimacy. I used sex to attract and keep men. I didn't get sexual pleasure or satisfaction out of that, I got a brief high that went away damn quick and a "connection" that wasn't real.

And as an aside, I think a lot of kids think that "everything but actual vaginal sex" isn't sex and isn't a big deal. It IS a big deal. It really, really saddens me that I tried to make guys love me with sexual activity in college. I didn't get anything in return for those blowjobs and it's not really awesome that I literally can't remember how many/whose dicks I've had in my mouth... <---how's that for a sentence.

I plan to be open with my kids about this. I want to emphasize abstinence heavily and use my experience as evidence. I will also emphasize though that I love them and expect them to be safe whatever choice they make. I don't think (done correctly) that it has to be abstinence ONLY vs. birth control/sex talk.

[houseelf]

I've thought a lot about this thread (Sorry Heidi...we've hijacked the hell out of this thread. Carry on, warrior mom and please forgive us!)

On one hand kids are so literal: Abstinence = Good; Sex = Bad. Even if the parents talk the hell out of these sub issues and tell them that they are loved no matter what you just never know what kids are thinking. Seriously, it's both funny and shocking how reductionist the thinking of a teenager can be. Part of me has to keep in mind that I'm thinking about this through the layers of a married 41 year old.

I'm going to say something incredibly inarticulately, but bear with me. While I completely want my kids to wait as long as possible and be safe, I don't want to overstate the importance of sex either because that can do as much damage. There is just so much crap entertwined with the topic of sex. You never know how it gets twisted in their mind. I would never, ever, ever tell this to my kids even into their twenties, but I truly believe that sometimes sex is *just* sex and it gets twisted into this huge thing. I think this contributes to a lot of dysfunction in individuals and relationships.

Anyhoo, carry on.

Kelly

[medpedspouse]

I've thought a lot about this thread (Sorry Heidi...we've hijacked the hell out of this thread. Carry on, warrior mom and please forgive us!)

On one hand kids are so literal: Abstinence = Good; Sex = Bad. Even if the parents talk the hell out of these sub issues and tell them that they are loved no matter what you just never know what kids are thinking. Seriously, it's both funny and shocking how reductionist the thinking of a teenager can be. Part of me has to keep in mind that I'm thinking about this through the layers of a married 41 year old.

I'm going to say something incredibly inarticulately, but bear with me. While I completely want my kids to wait as long as possible and be safe, I don't want to overstate the importance of sex either because that can do as much damage. There is just so much crap entertwined with the topic of sex. You never know how it gets twisted in their mind. I would never, ever, ever tell this to my kids even into their twenties, but I truly believe that sometimes sex is *just* sex and it gets twisted into this huge thing. I think this contributes to a lot of dysfunction in individuals and relationships.

Anyhoo, carry on.

Kelly

I think the more kids know the better choices they make. Not disagreeing with you BTW just saying that I think talking about sex likes it is natural (because it is) is the way to go. I started asking questions at a very early age and my mom started answering them. At one point she even buys me some books "in case I am ever too embarrassed to ask something." She always spoke about her body and sexuality in a no big deal kind of way. Don't get me wrong, my parents were not exhibitionists or anything near that. Sex was just part of life. This is why I do not get when people are all weird about their parents sexuality - dude, how do you think you came about?? A stork?

This knowledge game me power to make the choices I made. I knew the emotional aspects associated with being sexually active. I also understood the risks as well as "gains." I made an educated decision. It makes me sad when I hear people associate religion and negative thoughts/ feelings about sex. This was not the case for me. I grew up learning that the Song of Solomon was some pretty racy stuff.

[MAPPLEBUM]

Wow am I late to this thread, as usual so many well articulated perspectives and experiences. Maybe it's just from reading 7 pages of this discussion but I'm left with one abiding thought: they're teenagers and young adults, they're going to do whatever they want regardless. One of my good friends in high school (who has modeled internationally, whatever that means. He's hot) his mom put condoms in his bathroom at 15. Might have even been younger. It's been well over a decade since then and homeboy has had a grand total of 3 girlfriends. Most of the time he's been single. He's not running around sleeping with anything with tits, though i daresay he could. It's just not his temperament.

Of course I'm from the try it before you buy it camp but there is a LOT of conversation and information running around on every end of the spectrum. Teenagers know what's up. They know it's politically charged, they know it's a HUGE right of passage, and I think many know it's not to treated lightly. I grew up in a family similar to ST, I abstained as long as I did because I believed it was right for me. When I did have sex it was because that was the first person I'd ever wanted to be connected with on that higher level. I'm way past the hurt and anger of all the ways my parents failed me, but I do have say myself and my sisters weren't shamed about sex, and it was presented very well. However, when it did finally come out that I was sexually active I was in graduate school. And then I was shamed. I was the marked woman in my family. They treated me differently for about a year. After that they got over it, but it wasn't okay.

I don't know I kind of expect if I were ever to have a kid they'd abstain just to spite me. I can also hear myself saying "YOU NEED TO AT LEAST TRY DATING someone of the same sex before you rule it out!!"

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I can also hear myself saying "YOU NEED TO AT LEAST TRY DATING someone of the same sex before you rule it out!!"

I don't know if I agree with this. I don't know that you need to TRY dating everyone before you rule it out. I feel like some experimentation is good but you know what you're attracted to and what you're interested in exploring. I'd say if they're interested in exploring same sex relationships, they should but they don't HAVE to do so. It's like saying you should date someone older/younger, of a different race, or from a different country, or non-monogamously to decide if you like any of that too...you might just know you're are/aren't interested in XYZ thing.

[MAPPLEBUM]

I don't know if I agree with this. I don't know that you need to TRY dating everyone before you rule it out. I feel like some experimentation is good but you know what you're attracted to and what you're interested in exploring. I'd say if they're interested in exploring same sex relationships, they should but they don't HAVE to do so. It's like saying you should date someone older/younger, of a different race, or from a different country, or non-monogamously to decide if you like any of that too...you might just know you're are/aren't interested in XYZ thing.

It was a joke.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

^^Clearly this was lost in internet translation.

[MAPPLEBUM]

I agree that you don't have to try to know your proclivity, I just think it's hilarious the likelihood that I'd be that crazy mother begging her child to be gay. I know lots of people on here think that's a terrible thing to wish on a child but ooohhh would it make me happy.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Seems like a very hard life. That's why so many people say it's not a choice because who would choose it? I'd be so terrified of the higher rates of depression/bullying for those kids. It's getting better but there's a long long way to go.

[diggitydot]

Safe sex

I want my kid to begin having sex when they're ready, regardless of when I'm ready for them to do so.

If that's after marriage, great. If that's before marriage, great. They're the only ones who know if they're "ready" and may even decide later that they made a decision that wasn't right for themselves. That's OK. We live and we learn.

Their journey is not my journey.

I think it's a good idea to give kids all the info and tools deal with a scenario and give them the room to make their own informed choices.