Extremely frustrated with my husband regarding academics...

My husband studies a very large amount of time (at least, from what I get from the other medical students, it's on the high side of average). He literally is gone 12-16 hours a day (either in the library or locked in his study), every day- M, T, W, Th, F, Sa, Su. He misses everything- football games, church, parent teacher conferences, holiday events with the kids, everything. It has been this way since the beginning of August when school started. Ok, fine. I get that. He's in medical school. (Although the church thing really bothers me as I think, at least you can give 4 hours a week to be a spiritual leader for your children, but he really hasn't attended once since he started school.) So I do it by myself with the three littles and me being a full-time graduate student myself. The house, which previously has been clean, is frequently a wreck. My kids never see their Dad (and when they do see him, he's usually stressed out to the max and ends up yelling at them). I haven't had a date night in over a month- and that was a medical school event. I have these things that are piling up that I need a man to do (or at least, someone who knows something about toilets, drains and power tools.) I hardly get a thank you and I'm still expected to engage in conjugal relations at least 4-5 times per week (because he almost always has time for that).

Anyway, so this was all somewhat okay with me (although I suppose I did still harbor a good amount of resentment) since he was at least doing moderately well academically. He went into finals with 3 B's and 1 C (the C being biochem). Now that we're in the middle of finals, it's looking like he's going to come out with 3 C's and 1 B (the B being this "introduction to medicine" class that basically just requires attendance). I realize "pre-clinical grades don't matter in the grand scheme of things" yada yada yada (or at least, that's what he tells me) But, I just figure that considering the amount of time he spends studying and the amount of sacrifice- on everyone's part- he could at least be doing better than the bottom 25% of the class. This makes me angry because I feel that all of my hard work holding down the fort has been for nothing as it's just turned out a less than mediocre academic performance. I dont' get it. He has had every opportunity to succeed. He's been able to essentially act like he doesn't have a wife or children, so I dont' feel that we've been a "burden" or "a drag" on his performance. How could he still not be able to "make it"? He's a smart man! Not a genius, but he had really, really decent stats as an applicant.

[MissCrabette]

Even before getting to your second paragraph, I knew that this is where you were headed. I've seen this happen before. I would suggest reaching out to his advisor for guidance and support. Don't let him wait until it's too late for help. He's putting in these long hours precisely because he's feeling overwhelmed and as if he has to dedicate every waking hour to improving his performance. I can tell you that studying shouldn't take such an overwhelming majority of his time if he knows what he's doing and has a good studying method. Maybe others have had a different experience, but the first two years were the easiest for us by a long shot. It only gets more difficult when you have to deal with the crazy hours during clinicals, all the reading you're expected to do, AND studying for the USMLE exams.

[HeyMeganZ]

First of all, your patience are impressive! I should try to be more understanding (although I did accept studying came first while my DH was in med school). That seems odd he is spending such a significant amount of his time studying and his grades aren't reflecting it. Can you have a discussion with him about making the most of his time, so that maybe he can have a little more time to rest, relax and spend time with your children - perhaps taking advantage of tutoring or study groups? I know with some courses DH would spend fewer hours studying with classmates or in groups, but would get much more out of it. If he's stressing himself out, there's a chance even though he's spending most of his waking hours studying that he isn't getting as much out of it as he would be with briefer sessions (just repeating what N just told me).
First year was the most difficult transition for my DH. It was a huge adjustment to have to take on that much material, and despite some of the more major tests coming after....the first year really was emotionally draining and taxing on him.

Good luck, you are amazing for all that you are juggling! What are you in graduate school for?

[diggitydot]

We also had three kids by the time med school happened. Best thing we did was make a standing "family date night" once a week. We called it our Friday night pajama party. Just one night each week where we all made it a point to be around and engaged with each other. Sometimes it was board games, video games, or maybe movies. But it was every Friday night, like clockwork, and we ALL scheduled around it.

My dude was typically gone 14-16 hours each day studying. Yeah, that's a lot, but it didn't bug me. A short day was only 10-12 hours. However, if there was an emergency, I could count on him to get there. Which is probably why I didn't stress over not having him around.

He was in a bunch of study groups, and that helps a TON. The students who pick up concepts more quickly help out those who don't. It was a good system for him. He also TA'd in the anatomy lab later on, which was an immense help, too.

Med school is a HUGE adjustment. DH used to say that so much information is thrown at students so quickly that it's kind of like trying to take a sip from a fire hose.

There are some things you're going to have to let go of and just accept. The time away from his family will suck for everyone, but it's necessary. Figure out what you absolutely cannot do without and negotiate on the rest.

Med school with kids can be like residency with kids; a lot of single parenting.

ETA: My dude spent a ton of time studying, but a lot of the time was studying with and helping out others. He graduated in the top 10% of his class and was class president for MSII, MSIII, and MSIV, so I'm sure part of his time was spent doing student government crap.

[SoonerTexan]

I agree...that is a lot of time to be spending studying. I know DH is going to be unavailable the week before a test, but he doesn't get a free pass otherwise. Dude seems to have a ridiculous amount of free time, actually! (5 intramural sports this fall!) That being said, it is different for everyone. I just asked DH what he thought and he said that does seem really high based on what he has heard from his classmates. Has he thought about tutoring? Maybe then he can get more out of the time he is spending with the books? Is there any chance he is getting distracted during that time?

I will say DH started to get "better" at studying around this time last year and it has gotten easier ever since. Admittedly, he probably has an easier time of it than some of his classmates, but there are quite a few students we know that spend LOTS of time studying and have multiple children at home and are still able to be active participants in their families.

[ides]

Sounds like he's preoccupied or too stressed. Sounds like he needs some time off and a new study method. My Dh studied a lot, not quite as much as yours but for all that time he should be getting better grades. The social aspect of med school really dragged my Dh down. Is he having issues with other students? They can be pretty high schoolish & back stabby. Maybe he should try different study methods. Reading never worked for Dh but flash cards & short breaks every 20 min made a huge difference in the amount of material he could learn & retain. There are other memory methods out there he could try as well.

You are being VERY patient. He clearly needs some sort of readjustment.

[MrsPotts]

I agree with ides - it sounds like he needs a different way of studying. Right now it seems like he has the mindset more time = better grades. Which obviously isn't working for him. He could study all day every day but if he is studying a way that he is still not picking up on the material, then the amount of time is not going to matter. My hubby is a 2nd year and upon entering med school really reevaluated how he studied and it helped him tremendously. I would certainly recommend him talking to one of the advisers. Also, in order to perform he NEEDS breaks and such or else he will just burn himself out and by the time the test rolls around, do poorly. It does seem to be an excessive amount of time. Good for you for putting up with it for this long!

[medpedspouse]

I've seen such many times with students. Quantity does not equate quality study time. Unfortunately, by the time I see the student or resident things are pretty bad. The key is to get help early. Otherwise a vicious cycle occurs. Not all med schools have decent student affairs/learning resource center depts. but now is the time to find out if your DH is one of the lucky ones. Use them - you are paying for a student affairs fee!! Plus if he does get help from them and builds a relationship with the staff, it will pay off come 3rd and 4th year.

[madeintaiwan]

In the grand scheme of things, GRADES, ALL GRADES are going to matter when he applies for residency, especially if he wants to even be considered for AOA or go into a "competitive" specialty.

It sounds like he needs to find a more efficient way to study and that he also needs to reach out to his advisers or a mentor for help. At DH's medical school they had mandatory study groups for the students who were performing poorly. Some people jokingly called them "Cooper's" kids, but I always thought that it was nice that the school provided the tutoring and cared about not just letting their students fail [even if it had more to do with keeping a "good" reputation].

Like others have said, medical school is an adjustment. Pretty much everyone there is "super" smart. We know a guy who scored a 43 on his MCAT, 4.00 GPA, ect, and almost failed out of medical school-- he had to repeat his first year and scored low on his Step 1. Medical school can be hard.

My DH would study every day in the mornings before class with one of his classmates and they would "compete" for the higher grade on the tests. It kept both of them on their toes and sometimes they learned different techniques to learning the material. He went in every morning a few hours before class and studied and sometimes a bit after, but was usually home by dinner every night.

I had two kids in medical school [three now in ortho residency], luckily DH was very efficient at studying and got really good "grades" [they used Honors, Near Honors, Pass, ect]. We had our first during undergrad and we both had to juggle working and caring for our son. We got our best grades [all A's and B's] after having our son. It forced us to be focused and manage our time and most importantly study efficiently. I don't know what I would have done if he was off studying all the time, and still not performing well.

You are juggling a lot, unfortunately this is the life of a medical spouse. I am the one who takes care of everything around the house along with our three kids and up until recently, our dog too. I shovel the drive way, clean out the gutters, maintain the filters, fix leaky sinks and toilets. I take our cars in to be maintained and repaired. I watched my neighbor change the brakes on my car because I am always looking to learn about anything and everything that I can so that if I can help it, I am not stuck waiting for someone else to help me. Our families are 1800 miles away.

Missing dad sucks. My kids have learned to not expect their dad to be around [they are 10, 7, and 3]. We live our lives and he fits in when he fits in. There are no tears or angry feelings when he misses things. This is the life and my kids are pretty happy kids. I prefer it this way. Too bad for him, but I prefer that they be realistic about the fact that he works 80 hours a week and that is just the way it is. I'm not saying my life is easy or that there are not bad days. But these are things I have learned to do in order to be able to live my life and be as happy as I can be. I can not function to the capacity that I expect of myself with resentment and anger in my heart.

He has to get help with finding a better way to study.

[GrayMatterWife]

Seconding everything MadeInTaiwan so accurately and frankly stated.

If he is studying like a single guy (that is, devoting every waking hour to studying and abandoning all other "personal life" stuff) and not succeeding, he is doing medical school wrong. Bluntly put. It is not necessarily about being the most intelligent or working the hardest; the people who succeed work the smartest. They know how to filter the unnecessary information from the relevant, and how to organize what they need to know into logical systems so that they can manage the rote memorization of massive amounts of material. My husband did fine first year, but HATED it for that exact reason. Honestly, he felt like it was a "demotion" from his upper-division undergraduate work.

The skills that made to stellar in the first year medical school were less intellectual than they were practical information-management and test-taking skills. He is probably a super-smart guy who never really needed to learn these skills because he could manage the coursework without them. Medical school is different, by sheer quantity and time-pressure. It is a crappy time to learn the skills, but he's got to, or he's going to burn out.

And, BTW, all your hard work HAS been worth it. You've done your part; you provided him the best opportunity you could. When he seeks to figure out the source of his problem, he can eliminate "outside pressures and time-sucks" right off the top!

I really appreciate all of the replies! Thanks for sharing your perspectives. To address some of the responses:

I would like for him to speak to his advisor as well. I would LOVE for him to speak to someone in Student Affairs, but I don't even think they have that department. I've looked on the SOM website and I can't even find anything. He was made to go in and talk to the person teaching biochem as he was doing so poorly in that class, but that person was not very helpful, just telling him, "Well you're an engineer and engineers always have trouble with biochem. And, you didn't have biochem as an undergrad, so that's also another reason why you're not doing well. You'll figure it out."

Study Groups: Yes! I've pushed study groups from Day 1. Unfortunately, again with the introverted personality, he would much rather spend time in his cubicle or in the gross lab. He FINALLY agreed to join a study group when he was extremely close to having a failing grade in biochem, and that study group was so helpful for him.

He's told me that he has difficulty filtering out all of the important information. What makes this more difficult is that they have different professors teaching different sections of the same class. And then, those professors make up the test for that section. So, there's not a lot of consistency with testing in that there are so many people making the tests for the classes. Plus he's not allowed to look over his tests after they are finished. They say it's against the honor code to look at your test afterwards, as I suppose they recycle the questions. I understand not allowing others to copy the tests, but it seems to me that they should at least be given time to look at them.

Another thing I"ve been trying to tell him, that he won't listen to, is that he needs to sleep. He probably gets 6 hours of sleep a night. When he allows himself to sleep in, which is like once a week, he'll sleep for 11+ hours straight. So he goes around and tries to learn while he's chronically sleep deprived. I tell him, how can you absorb the material if you aren't well rested? He takes tests on 4-5 hours of sleep. I told him, that's like taking the test drunk! Of course what do I know? He doesn't listen to me.

I feel that what makes this an even more difficult adjustment for me is that I wasnt' expecting this when we got married. When we got married, I was marrying a guy who was an engineering major, going to have a good job with a stable paycheck, who would only work 40 hour work weeks and who could be home.

ETA: One poster asked about if he's having a hard time socially with the other students. Like I said before, he's extremely shy. I met several of them at this one social event we went to and they were all so nice. They talk to him on facebook and he'll talk to people on facebook, but IRL, forget it. It's hard to explain his personality type. He's a strong INTJ in Myers-Briggs, if that means anything to anyone.

[SoonerTexan]

I'm so sorry! I would feel the same way in your situation...I knew about med school from the get go, so it's easier. But to have the stability/time and then lose it would suck beyond words

[diggitydot]

I don't know many med spouses who wouldn't love to go back in time and say, "Gee, honey -- are you sure you wouldn't prefer to be a plumber?"...

[MissCrabette]

Have you talked to him about why he prefers to not interact with his peers? That strikes me as odd. It's one thing to have trouble forming connections and quite another to not even want to try. It could be a case of sour grapes or a way for him to protect himself from presumed failure, I don't really know, but it's worth exploring.

I say that because there's no sense in trying to reinvent the wheel. There's great value in sharing study tips and techniques, in commiserating with your peers, and in trying to teach someone a concept, which is probably the ultimate test of whether you mastered a subject. Even without counting the various study groups, I bet there are countless resources floating around your DH's class, and he's missing out on all of them because he's not "plugged in." At my husband's school, for example, they had these class notes than an uber-achiever upperclassman had shared with them. Obviously, you need to make them your own, but they were a fantastic starting point for some people.

Moreover, once he moves on to clinicals, he'll be forced to interact with people all the damned time, whether he likes it or not. He can't practice medicine in a cocoon. He needs to work with others. Moving even farther down the road, he needs to polish up those social skills for interview season, particularly if his transcript is lacking in some areas. He needs to fit in with other people. I realize that this might be a daunting prospect to a person who's extremely introverted. Medical school can be like high school all over again, but there are also some very nice people there if you look hard enough.

Lastly, let me stress again the importance of talking to someone and being proactive sooner rather than later. The person we knew who struggled waited until after the final exams to talk to his adviser. By that point, it was far too late to do anything about his situation, and he ended up being dismissed for failing two classes. Your husband isn't on the brink of failing from what I understand, but you are both putting so much on the line here, both financially and emotionally, that you should make sure you tap into every resource available to make the most of medical school.

[Pollyanna]

I haven't read through all of the responses but just wanted to give you a few suggestions. It sounds like he has pretty much dropped out of everything, including going to church services. Ask him for that one gift. Tell him that is simply is not possible that he would lose out by practicing his faith on Sunday's. He needs some grounding and if you are a family of faith it will give him peace even if he thinks he needs to study. Is there someone at your church that your husband can go to for counsel or as a couple? If engineering came easy to him he might not "know how to study". It sounds like he is working but not working smart. Is there anyway he (or more likely you, lol) can find a tutor to help him learn some effective study techniques? I think you mentioned that he said these grades don't really matter. Ummm, they do, everything you do matters as you are applying for residency. Not to freak you or him out but he needs to know what he needs to do to get the residency he wants and that starts now. We started with kids about the same age as yours. You can do this. Come here often, vent all you want. We'll help you through.