Extremely frustrated with my husband regarding academics...

[HeyMeganZ]

I agree, if faith is important to your family and he refuses to break out of his shell to ask for help, that may be a good starting place. You're doing everything you can to be supportive but you need him to also be in it too. Which may mean going outside of his comfort zone, asking for help, learning to study differently and learning how to set a solid foundation now for you all to have better choices (i.e. residency programs) later. It's a marathon.

[Thirteen]

First of all, there is a ton of competition AND arrogance in medicine. A ton. They like to frolick, hand-in-hand, together... *eyeroll*
Your husband is a smart man - he got into medical school, and that is no easy feat. What he chooses to do from this point on, however, could make or break his experience.
Gently (*ahem*) remind him that even though medicine is competitive, it is important to look to others for guidance and help when deemed necessary, and his grades this term are making it so. The "I-can-do-it-alone" mentality will not get him very far if he needs help. Here's where the arrogance comes in.
*deep breath* Medicine seems to attract/encourage people who, um, are very sure of themselves and their abilities. My DH is no exception. And, cruelly, medicine does this cyclical dance of building you up ("I'm the smartest person ever! God complex!") and tearing you down ("I know nothing! I'm so slow! I got owned in morning rounds!"). If he is too proud to ask for help, the curriculum has a way of culling people, even incredibly talented and smart people, out.
Since you mentioned church: Would he hesitate to pray on this subject? If he wouldn't/doesn't see anything wrong with petitioning Christ, then why a double standard for an advisor/classmates? There are also study groups, refresher courses, and test taking services that teach you specifically how to glean the important information.
I realize what I've just posted is probably redundant (and might seem rude, which if it does, I apologize), but not doing something about this is a non-negotiable if he wants to continue in medical school *AND* be a good spouse/parent.
"You don't get a pass to be an ass."

Social skills have always been a challenge for him. I agree that he needs to improve them. In that respect, you're really preaching to the choir. I completely and absolutely agree. I just don't know how to help him develop those skills, other than to just encourage them.

I will definitely talk to him about church. It's something that's really important to me and I do think it would bring him some peace/stress relief as well.

First of all, there is a ton of competition AND arrogance in medicine. A ton. They like to frolick, hand-in-hand, together... *eyeroll*
Your husband is a smart man - he got into medical school, and that is no easy feat. What he chooses to do from this point on, however, could make or break his experience.
Gently (*ahem*) remind him that even though medicine is competitive, it is important to look to others for guidance and help when deemed necessary, and his grades this term are making it so. The "I-can-do-it-alone" mentality will not get him very far if he needs help. Here's where the arrogance comes in.
*deep breath* Medicine seems to attract/encourage people who, um, are very sure of themselves and their abilities. My DH is no exception. And, cruelly, medicine does this cyclical dance of building you up ("I'm the smartest person ever! God complex!") and tearing you down ("I know nothing! I'm so slow! I got owned in morning rounds!"). If he is too proud to ask for help, the curriculum has a way of culling people, even incredibly talented and smart people, out.
Since you mentioned church: Would he hesitate to pray on this subject? If he wouldn't/doesn't see anything wrong with petitioning Christ, then why a double standard for an advisor/classmates? There are also study groups, refresher courses, and test taking services that teach you specifically how to glean the important information.
I realize what I've just posted is probably redundant (and might seem rude, which if it does, I apologize), but not doing something about this is a non-negotiable if he wants to continue in medical school *AND* be a good spouse/parent.
"You don't get a pass to be an ass."

This makes so much sense! He really does go between being very elitist and thinking the world is ending because of his "incompetence". Turning it around like asking God versus asking classmates is very clever. I like that. I think that will make a lot of sense to him. I will try this approach for sure. I don't think anything you said was rude. Thanks for your input.

[corn poffi]

I think others gave great advice on the studying issue. Grades do matter, and I don't think a C+ will look any better than a C when it comes to applying to residency. I guarantee that his school has a student affairs office (if just might go by another name). I cannot see any legitimate college/professional school not having student support programs of some sort.

What I am concerned with is the introversion. If he doesn't like dealing with people, why would he want to be a doctor? It makes no sense to me, and I think that will hinder him even more than his grades. As mentioned above, he has to do clinical rotations, and not wanting to deal with people will lead to some terrible reviews from residents and attendings. Looking even further on, the entire interview process is a massive social experiment. Someone with a social phobia will not do as well.

I really think the social phobia needs to be addressed sooner than later. I think he needs to sit down and figure out why or if he wants to be a doctor. Honestly, I think some things need to be reevaluated in this situation. I think that finding out what's bothering him socially might shine some light on why he's unable to study properly.

I don't mean to be harsh, there are plenty of doctors with social issues, but they can at least fake it.

It's not that he doesn't like people, it's that social scenes make him very nervous. Meeting new people, talking to new people, getting to know people, all of that is very anxiety producing. After he gets to know people, he's great. Talks, laughs, he's very witty. (And you get a couple of drinks in him and he's downright talkative.) He has few friends, but close friends. It's getting to know the people that's the more difficult part. He cares about people. He's a compassionate person. He has a really big heart. So, he wants to be a doctor because he does want to help people. Just, you put him in a room full of people he doesn't know, and have those people come up to him and try to start conversations with him, and I guarantee in his head, he's rocking in a corner in a fetal position. Which, obviously, is a problem, but he's not a sociopath or anything.

[corn poffi]

I understand that, but he needs to understand that medicine is full of situations like those you mentioned. His patients will be strangers, and I doubt they'll let him have a drink. His world will be filled with conferences and social events. Getting to know people is kind of what medicine is all about.

Along with that, the interview process is just that, putting a bunch of strangers in a room and seeing how they get along.

I'm not meaning to imply that medicine is not for him or that he's a lunatic,I just think that you need to make sure he is being realistic. If he's not willing to get help for this or for his study habits, I can't see him being happy with his future.

[ides]

I don't want to freak you out either but all grades matter. Seriously, if he wants to have a choice in what type of speciality he goes into he has to do better. Med school in a sense chooses your residency for you baised on your performance. It's not pretty but its true. Also once you start clinical rotations personality & social skills really matter a ton.

[medpedspouse]

Whether good or bad or in between, the school HAS to have a learning resource center / student affairs in order to be accredited. It all makes sense when you said he is a MB introvert. Being around people will only suck amy energy he has left. However, he can learn to move towards the center - he will have to in order to survive in medicine. BTW - my career is in med Ed. PM me if you want to chat about specific ideas that I hope may help.

[niener]

My DH struggles with inefficient study habits too I think, plus he's stubborn and an INTJ (are we married to the same person?? LOL) so it's difficult to get him to admit he needs help sometimes. I totally get your frustration with that part of it. I just wanted to grab him by the shoulders and scream sometimes. He progressed tremendously throughout med school though because he had no choice. He either got better at it or he failed, and he sure as hell wasn't about to let that happen. It's just like others said, you have to weed through all that information and determine what's relevant. He sounds like an incredibly smart guy, but as someone else mentioned if engineering just came naturally to him then study skills may not be something he's ever had to work on before. You're entering one of the toughest phases of med school right now -- half way through the first year, when you start to realize how difficult this whole journey is going to be and the enthusiasm you had at the beginning that used to just power you through the hard times is starting to wear off. Any issue like this is just going to compound on itself as he keeps going. The sooner he can address his studying habits the better. If he doesn't feel comfortable going to an advisor or student services, maybe a quick google search on better study habits will at least get him started with new tips and techniques. I'm sure there are books on the subject as well.

Regarding the social issues, I'm a strong INTJ as well (with a much stronger introvert component than my DH -- he did just fine with the social aspect of med school actually, I was the one that struggled with all the social functions we had to attend!). Going to large social functions, making small talk, meeting new people, that will never come naturally to your DH. It just won't. I have to do it all the time now for my job and I've gotten quite good at it, but it took lots of practice and it's totally exhausting to me. Two hours at a meet-and-greet and I'm completely spent. I don't like doing it but I CAN do it if I need to and believe me, your DH is really going to need to. Interviews really are like creepy little social experiments. The only way I got better at that sort of thing was being forced to do it over and over and over again. It's just like any other skill set you're trying to acquire; you have to practice. He's not going to like it, but he needs to start now. Keep encouraging him to go to med school social functions. Since he's in a study group now, maybe he'll feel more comfortable at events he knows some of them are going to as well.

[SoonerTexan]

From what you've described, I wouldn't worry too much about the social issues...reminds me quite a bit of DH a few years ago and even now. He doesn't gravitate towards new people, but usually has a great time once I've dragged him there! No problems with close friends either, but his circle is small. He's also found he likes patient interaction more than he thought he would.

Honestly, your DH sounds like a typical engineer...to perpetuate a stereotype! He may need to work at it, but he will get past it.

[SoonerTexan]

Oh...one more thing. I think it is hard for a lot of the married, more mature guys to fit in, especially if they have had a prior career. They are just in a different place than most other students. DH has some non married friends but most of them are other med students who are married with kids. The post-test drinking binges and who's dating who drama don't appeal to him, and that eliminates a lot of possible social interaction. Are there are groups for married students at your school you can get involved with?

[diggitydot]

Oh...one more thing. I think it is hard for a lot of the married, more mature guys to fit in, especially if they have had a prior career. They are just in a different place than most other students. DH has some non married friends but most of them are other med students who are married with kids. The post-test drinking binges and who's dating who drama don't appeal to him, and that eliminates a lot of possible social interaction. Are there are groups for married students at your school you can get involved with?

So much word.

A lot of schools have family clubs. Maybe it would help to join so you all know peeps in similar circumstances at the school? DH's school had a lot of students with families and many of whom we're still good friends with to this day. Could be a great resource for both you and your dude.

And yeah, the younger students who were straight out of undergrad were DEFINITELY in a different place emotionally and socially than we were at that time. We didn't stay in touch with ANY of them.

[HouseofWool]

I agree with much of the advice that you have already received. From a "been there, done that" point of view, I think he needs to get in and see someone there, and potentially a clinician of some sort to deal with the social anxiety. My ex (I'm the token divorcee of the site) has some very similar issues going on and the ONE thing that I regret most was not pushing him harder to get in and see someone about the anxiety part of it. While I am extroverted myself, those types of new situations are overwhelming, even for me, much less someone who is introverted. But once the clinical rotations roll around in 3rd year, a HUGE component of how well he will do is based on his ability to navigate high-pressure and inconsistent social situations.

I know my ex often had marathon days of studying, but finally he figured out that taking a break to play with our son (who was a pre-schooler) was much more beneficial than just powering through, with the added benefit of actually being connected to him as a parent. I did insist upon family meals, although there were times that meant that he popped in to eat with us and then went back to the books, at least Dad was there for a bit.

The last suggestion would be to have him read our responses, and your original post. Maybe seeing it spelled out in black and white would enlighten him more than an emotionally charged conversation. The thing that strikes me about the responses is that the spouses cover just about every stage of training and a wide variety of specialties, everything from an MS2 to the final year of residency, from family practice to surgery. The fact that the response is pretty unanimous is pretty telling.

Good luck.

[peggyfromwastate]

I haven't read all the responses.

My dh had a tough time in med school. It was too much information, too much cramming, and he is not well suited to cramming.

I can't remember his grades-- mostly Bs and a couple C's maybe.

The first year was harder than the second- biochem especially and he did well on biochem in college. Again, just too much info.

He didn't make AOA, not the end of the world.

Study groups don't work for him. He's an introvert too, and he finds study groups don't work for him especially when the group is chatty. He hated having to do mandatory study things with his anatomy group. Just not his style, and I get that bc study groups never worked for me.

He did find a study partner the second year. Ironically this guy was really on the bubble academically, so dh naturally found a partner who needed dhs help, and thru teaching this classmate concepts dh learned them much more thoroughly and started to "get" the academics.

As far as family life. Dh went in to study on Saturdays for an uninterrupted 6 hours or so. He would study during naps and after the kids went to bed. He did better studying in shorter amounts of time- 1 hour then short break, etc. he was never the "spiritual leader" that some churches expect the dad to be. The schedule just doesn't allow for it, at least in the traditional image of spiritual leader. He won't be there to lead devotions, or pray at dinner, or discipline the kids. There is no "wait til dad gets home" for doling out punishments. He's pretty much Mr Fun when he comes home.

Dh did get accepted into the most competitive residency field for his class year. This was because he excelled in the 3rd and 4th year rotations. His recommendations were very good, and dh is above all else a very hard worker. He was there earlier than necessary for all the rotations, has a very level head, and was able to take abuse well. Much of 3rd and 4th year was like a hazing. He embraced "thank you sir may I please have another" to a T.

Now as a chief resident he is the top scorer in his year group on the practice boards. He has been pretty much since the first year-- and this was a surprise to all bc he wasn't nearly the top GPA, nor was he the top USMLE. By all accounts he was average. But he studies a little bit every stinking day. He does better now that it's one subject (albeit he's responsible to know thousands of pages worth of info) and he's interested in it, and he's methodical. The crammed have a very hard time and some are almost on probation for low test scores on the practice boards.

One other thing-- your dh will not be able to sleep 6 hours a night. That's a luxury. He needs to adjust to around 4.5-5 hours. It sucks, it's not healthy, but I don't know many residents who get more sleep than that.

It's important for him to take time for family life and to make it a sacred block of time now while he can. At least 4 hours or so on a weekend-- decompress, spend time with the kids, no worries. Then 2 hours do do crap around the house.

Hang in there!!