How to fend off nurse 'dawkter hunter'?

I used to sit in DH's med school lectures with him and study. I liked the ambient noise. I went to the hospital all the time when DH was on-call. I would bring him dinner and then hang out in the call room and watch cable TV. But we also live 2 minutes from the hospital. We will have to see what his new program is like in terms of "visiting" hours.

I agree with Rapunzel, it isn't about being insecure, like I said before, my DH is horrible with boundaries, so sometimes I have to point them out to him. But that doesn't mean I am insecure or that he doesn't love me and isn't dedicated to our marriage.

[Thirteen]

I didn't visit at all in med school.
I was scarce during intern year - he didn't have time to pee, let alone chat.
2nd and 3rd year, I was more visible - Xmas party, program graduation celebration. I also had my pre-natal care, L&D, post-natal care at his hospital, so people in the clinic knew me by the time we left. Some of the most amazing staff I've ever met, but then again, our program was family-oriented, and there were 2 or 3 who had children as well.

I keep an eye out, but I don't freak out. DH has pictures of myself and DS in his office, occasionally calls on his lunch, etc.
2 weeks ago, he had a patient who tried to push her daughter on him, but SHE didn't realize he was married because he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He politely smiled and informed her that he was happily married and the father of one. I have run things to his office before (IDs, cell phone, even a stethoscope once or twice), so I have a presence, but I'm not there all the time. It's such a fine line, really.
Vigilance is important, as is honesty and open communication.

[SoonerTexan]

My going up to see dh when he was in medical school would be a no-go.

I'm assuming you are talking about 3rd year and beyond? I'm curious because they have been REALLY open and accommodating to families so far, but I imagine it is different during rotations given the hospital they rotate at. But is sounds like a lot has changed about this school.

[MissCrabette]

I don't go to the hospital, but maybe that's because there's no call per se anymore, just a regular "shift." Most of the time there's no time to sit around and socialize.

Regarding Maryland, there are tolls and horrendous traffic, and maybe the culture is a bit different, too. Spouses didn't even CALL when we were in Maryland, so I felt like a freak when I had to.

I think the insecure comment might have been justified since the spouse drove SIX HOURS to tell the nurse off. That's extreme in my opinion and very different from simply pointing out to the husband that the relationship was inappropriate.

During DH's 3rd and 4th years he we did long-distance so I never went to see him at the hospital. But I do remember bringing lunch to him at the office of a private NSG he rotated with. And family/spouses were always invited to parties and school events.

[corn poffi]

Oddly enough, I'm currently over at the med school waiting for a meeting to start. Two spouses and their respective kids walked in the door in the past two minutes. Thought that was quite the coincidence!

[bokelley]

I don't ever go to the hospital. It is not very family friendly. From what I understand if they saw u talking to ur spouse, then ur not working hard enough

[GrayMatterWife]

I do not think the issue is whether it is appropriate for a spouse/SO to visit his/her mate at the hospital. I think the issue is whether it is appropriate for a spouse/SO to handle an inappropriate workmate of the spouse/SO and confront him/her at the workplace.

The answer is, of course, that, no, this is not appropriate. The hospital is a business place, not Melrose Place. If you, as the spouse/SO are having an issue with the behavior of your spouse's workmate, your spouse/SO should deal with it. And you, of course, should deal with your spouse/SO (outside the hospital). However, going up to the hospital as a threatening shrew, suggesting murder of a pet, reflects badly on you (you have little judgment and sense of propriety) and on your spouse (who can't control his personal life). The workmate's lack of boundaries does not give you license to reciprocate. In addition, such behavior could be criminal, if it become immediate and threatening enough. You do not want to be the wingding wife who the Hospital had to obtain a restraining order against.

If you want to go grab lunch on an occasion, or bake him cookies or whatever, fine, as long as that fits in with the atmosphere of the institution. But don't work out your personal crap at his place of work.

[Pollyanna]

We went to visit dh when he was working on his PhD all the time (interestingly Stanford is FAR more family friendly than our State University). During medical school we would have lunch together whenever possible because I was also working on campus. During residency me and the kiddos took dh a Thanksgiving dinner and have driven by for a quick kiss goodnight when he hadn't been around in a while. We would be completely welcome to visit but OB is far to busy and unpredictable to guarantee that we would even see him. When he is an attending next year I imagine I will meet him for lunch every once in a while as we will only be about 12 minutes away from campus. But I do feel strongly that there should be little overlap between work and personal life.

[niener]

I do not think the issue is whether it is appropriate for a spouse/SO to visit his/her mate at the hospital. I think the issue is whether it is appropriate for a spouse/SO to handle an inappropriate workmate of the spouse/SO and confront him/her at the workplace.

The answer is, of course, that, no, this is not appropriate. The hospital is a business place, not Melrose Place. If you, as the spouse/SO are having an issue with the behavior of your spouse's workmate, your spouse/SO should deal with it. And you, of course, should deal with your spouse/SO (outside the hospital). However, going up to the hospital as a threatening shrew, suggesting murder of a pet, reflects badly on you (you have little judgment and sense of propriety) and on your spouse (who can't control his personal life). The workmate's lack of boundaries does not give you license to reciprocate. In addition, such behavior could be criminal, if it become immediate and threatening enough. You do not want to be the wingding wife who the Hospital had to obtain a restraining order against.

If you want to go grab lunch on an occasion, or bake him cookies or whatever, fine, as long as that fits in with the atmosphere of the institution. But don't work out your personal crap at his place of work.

This exactly. Spouses visiting is very common here -- in fact they love it because it usually means they're being fed (we share baked goodies around here). Spouses storming into the hospital to tell off a nurse and act a fool? No. There is a time and a place for everything, and that was neither.

[Cinderella]

Thanks for the replies. There are lots of good points to consider and I read them to him. It's still a touchy subject and nearly started WWIII just now but I pointed out to him that he told me to ask you all so then he let his guard down a little bit. I guess what it came down to is he is aware from me telling him in the past that there are dawkter hunters here, to my Mom and Grandma telling him about them, to our RN friends telling him about them. Because of this he doesn't want me to have a reaction at the work place like his friend that is a doctor had with his wife or like the doctor and his wife in this story. He said it should never get to that point. He'd stop the dawkter hunters in their tracks and I should feel secure in that. I also had to assure him I'm not like that to have an over reaction and make a drama at his place of work in front of everyone. This is a very simplistic explanation of our exchange.

To me this whole thing is silly because it's all a hypothetical future that he's getting upset about when I was just telling him the story and he related it to us.

After talking about it more and assuring each other of our mutual respect for one another and our professions and reading the replies here he agreed that I could visit for lunch or coffee but if he got any sign of insecurity on my part about his co-workers he wouldn't have it.

[scarlett09]

I feel that everyone in the dawkter hunter story is culpable. The nurse would probably be breaking HR rules at some locations by appearing to have a relationship with a co-worker. And all the shit about going into his place to do tasks? Sounds like breaking-and-entering to me. The dawkter isn't clueless - he knows that having this chick do all of these things for him is wrong. He declined drinks but allowed her to access his personal living space? She is so focused on the dollar signs that she cooks and cleans for him, with nothing in return, financially/emotionally/etc. Talk about low self-esteem.

Obviously the wife is nuts. It would have been better to make sure she visited on the weekends, came over to the hospital to have dinner and visit if her DH was on call. Basically make her presence known. Then she would haven't had to come up and threaten the life of an innocent pet.

Bottom line is that you don't put your shit show on display for others, especially co-workers who you rely on and might recommend you for promotions/other jobs. The dawkter and his wife have a LOT of marital issues, things that could have been put to rest long ago if they talked to each other about their feelings, insecurities, and how they should respect one another at the beginning of their marriage (or better yet, long before that).

Currently there is a 2nd year sleeping with both a nurse and an intern (he's a machoistic jackass). The nurse (who has a kid) knows something is up, the intern is a train wreck (she called off an engagement this year), and he wants to get as much ass as possible, so he isn't putting an end to any of the relationships. Everyone knows about it, but none of us can do anything about all of this unprofessional behavior, so we just continue to watch the shit show. Because the intern was highly emotional and performing poorly at work, their shit show came out into the open. Don't be them. This is also a great example of the phrase "don't shit where you eat."

As for the whole visiting at work thing, I never visited DH in med school during rotations. It was a time for him to be ON his A-game, not to be hanging out with me. Maybe if we had young kids who understood the concept of "where's daddy?" and he was there for a long period of time, I would bring them for a visit. But I had my own life - friends, grad school, and a job - things that kept me busy while he was busy with rotations.

During residency, I have visited the hospital maybe a dozen times in 3 years. I know all the residents, as we all hang out together a lot outside of work, so I don't really need to make my presence known. The support staff that crush on him and are sad that he is leaving know he is a good man who is devoted to his wife. I barely know the support staff, so HE set those boundaries himself. Again, I have stuff to keep me busy, so I don't visit often. I can see dropping stuff off they need/forgot or having the kids see their dad. I'm going to have dinner at the hospital with him either tomorrow or Thursday night, only because I have seen him for 1.5 days over the last 2 weeks. But if he was on Q4 and on call on a Friday night, I won't stop by to hang out. I'd wait for him to come home so I can call him by his cute pet names and bug him about taking out the trash.

[SoonerTexan]

Then things really have changed for the better!

[rainbabies]

My husband has always been such a dick that I don't think anyone would bother with him. True story. I've heard bf, through the grape vine, "I wonder how Dr _____ treats his wife...??"
Also, the old timers here must remember "the jock" of dh's residency. Holy balls. He caused so. much. drama. His now ex wife, who was a peds resident, went on a rampage at the hospital. She went balls out KRAZY on a few nurses that her jock dh was screwing. Right. Under. Her. Nose.
It was a nightmare for the ob program and the peds program.
People (male and female) need to keep their boundaries in check.

Back to my cave.......

ETA: we visited dh all the time. It didn't mean we would always see him, because labor happens, but we always went in for snacks, meals, quick visits, etc. Even now, I go hang w him
In his office with a cup of coffee. The staff love me. Lol

[Finding Equanimity]

Kinda hijacking the post (although I really like the side discussion on visiting DH at the hospital)-- Labmouse we are on the interview trail and I feel your pain about being the secretary, booking the trips, getting suits ready, etc. I'm ready for it to be over and we're on interview 8 of 15. Ugh, it's exciting but painful.